Wishing on Stars
by casfics
Summary: In the wake of Caleb's death, Ethan is stricken with grief and struggles with accepting that his worst nightmare is still on the loose. When Alicia discovers she's pregnant, there's potential that everything could change forever.
1. chapter 1

**Hellooo lovelies. As the time is passing, I am missing Cal more and more. And even more. It's heartbreaking to see Ethan how he is. So, had an idea for a new story and not all too sure where I'll go with it but here it is :-) hope you like. Please leave a review!**

 **(also note that it is written as if Alicia and Cal only broke up a month before his death, and that Alicia and Ethan had seen each other a few times behind his back in the duration of the relationship - juuuust in case any of you are detail-sticklers. I certainly am!)**

One second. Two seconds. Three, four, five. An entire minute. Maybe even more.

The thumping noise in his ears. The squeezing pain in his chest. A hand lightly shaking his shoulder. Nothing could be enough to quell the voices in his head, or to put a stop to the tears cascading down his cheeks. His eyes felt raw and they burned. They'd seen far too much.

'I know. I know.' The words seemed to bring everything crashing back to reality, something which Ethan found both comforting and disturbing. Two little words. Merely recognition of the pain, or perhaps vocalised to offer reassurance. For all he felt slightly less alone upon hearing it, it also had the potential to completely ruin him. If he let it. It felt like an insult. A force from deep inside him was aiding and abetting him to stand up to her. Take her by the shoulders. Spit venom at her. Anything to make her understand that she _did not_ understand. It was bitter ignorance. That was his brother. She knew nothing. How could she be so stupid?

Through the cracks in his fingers, he saw her. She wasn't going to leave. She hadn't left. It had been days. The air was stale, she had showered in cold water, she had eaten the scarce remains of grains that could only be described as inedible from the cupboard. Ethan most definitely hadn't been up to sorting the bills, it had been Cal's job. All the grown up stuff was... Cal stuff. The broken boiler had been on the list of things that needed fixing, and he had the money to do so. On the scale of importance, it suddenly seemed woefully low. She had stayed through it all. He hadn't asked her to, but she had. The tears clouded his poor vision even further, yet between the shaky sobs, when he stopped to take a breath, he could faintly see her. Her blonde hair was matted and wiry, yesterday's mascara had come to rest just under the darkening shadows near her eyes. Yet still, the anxious angel that sat before him was rooted to the bed. There, in case he decided he wanted to talk. In case he decided he wanted to move on. The face of someone upset. Desperate to rid him of the hurt. Hopeful enough to will him a fast recovery. Grounded enough to know it wouldn't be that easy.

When Alicia left and returned with a glass of something, Ethan didn't even look up. Ambiguity was a newfound aspect in a lot of areas of his life. He didn't want whatever she'd brought, nor did he care to know what it was. He had a guess, though. Water wouldn't numb the pain.

'Drink this.' She said, an edge to the softness in her voice. He didn't take the glass off her. They sat in silence for a couple of seconds.

'Ethan, please..' Her voice wobbled slightly as the words came out. He prised his fingers from his cheeks, and his face begun to sting. It was probably swollen. His lungs hurt, ached. Pleaded with him to stop the relentless tears, just for a while. His eyes hovered upwards and met hers. She gave a small nod, outstretched an arm, and Ethan's fingertips met with the cool glass. He lifted it to his lips as she watched on. He didn't flinch as it tipped over the side and onto his leg and the sheets. Her hand was on his quickly, guiding him, stopping him from shaking. Ethan felt tears well in his eyes again, and reluctantly gulped down the remaining liquid from the vessel.

She placed it on the side, quietly, and opened her mouth to talk. She shut it again. Actions prevailed over words. Ethan's hand remained limp as she took it in hers.

'Thanks.. for the water.' Ethan's voice sounded oddly strangled - his throat felt scratchy. Nothing felt right.

'That's okay,' She whispered. 'Um... you-you must be hungry. I'll see what I can find.'

Ethan's fingers gripped hers then, and she looked back up at him. 'Stay... please. I'm not too certain we have anything in, besides.' He added, rubbing his face with his spare hand. The pain in his voice was audible each time it cracked, and Alicia half felt as if she was dazed. This couldn't be real life. Why wasn't it a dream? Why couldn't she wake them both up?

'It's like seven, though. I get it, you're not ready to face up to things just now. You must look after yourself physically though. And, if you won't...' Alicia looked at Ethan now, sadness etched into her expression. 'Please let _me_.'

What she was saying began to make sense. Ethan's mind was polluted with the grief and the hurt and the anger and fear, but his body was crying nearly as much as he was. He needed nourishment of some kind, and he wasn't altogether stupid.

'Takeaway?' Alicia asked.

Ethan felt as if he'd been struck again. As if, he was the one who'd been stabbed. The last meal he and Cal had eaten together was, in fact, a takeaway. His eyes had fixed on the wall, unblinking.

Alicia bit her lip. 'Chinese, or pizza?' She asked. Her words faded into the background.

'Um.. how about pizza? Pizza was.. is.. Cal's favourite.' Ethan nodded, a series of jerky movements that seemed all too enthusiastic.

'Yeah. Okay. I'll go ring for it. We're having a pizza each, and we're having sides. And puddings. If you don't eat it all, it doesn't matter. Food fixes a lot of pain.' Alicia gave him a small smile. She realised she'd rambled, but Ethan's obvious grief made her feel slightly awkward and embarrassed. She often had no idea of how to respond, she was making it up as she went along. Improvised comforting. People were helping, but no one was _helping_ helping. Not in the way she was, or in the way that she could.

Ethan heard faintly the tone of Alicia, as softly-spoken as ever, in the next room. He'd just had a massive panic attack, again. There she was, ordering their tea, seemingly unfazed and calm as ever. She hadn't run, like he thought she might.

He stared blankly at the glass on the side. He could throw it. Transfer some of the bad energy into something. Break something like something broke him. He gave a sigh. Something stronger than plain water would have lifted the pain a little while, made him forget. He drowned out his useless thoughts by focusing on the fact she was still on the phone in the kitchen. His mind wandered. Ethan wished he could phone his big brother. In fact, wished that it was Cal on the phone. He even wished Alicia was with Cal now, and that Ethan was all alone. Or even that he was the one to be dead.

A searing sensation of pain culminated in his chest as he remembered, with guilt, that she was a person too, and, Ethan loved her. More than she even knew.

His brother died because he loved them both. Ethan knew how it felt to lose someone you loved, probably knew it better than anyone else. His mother. Then, out of the blue, his other mother. The biggest blow of all, his rock in the form of Cal. It was an awful experience that nobody should have to experience, not least the lovely Alicia. How selfish was it for him to wish he'd died? That would be no better. Death still brought grief. He didn't want anyone he cared for to go through such unimaginable pain. He berated himself for his thoughts. He couldn't begrudge his relationship or the fact that he was the brother alive. He had to muddle through. Life wasn't in the habit of being fair, or so it had proved to Ethan.

She soon came to the doorway, meeting Ethan's tired eyes with a gentle expression.

'I'm going to switch on the kettle and try run a bath, if you'd like it first.' Her eyes were imploring, almost as if she was searching for the Ethan she knew was buried deep inside. He got the sense she needed the comfort in that way, and he felt guilty again for not being the man she deserved. It was like he'd been thrown far away from the person he once was; he couldn't even imagine how he'd find his way back.

'You have it, uh, I'll have it after.' He stuttered, trying to make the positivity in his voice sound convincing.

Alicia just gave him a half smile and shrugged. 'I just feel a bit grubby and thought it makes sense to before tea arrives. If you're okay with that?' She checked.

Of course it was fine. Ethan hesitated before speaking again.

'Yeah.. yeah. I'll tidy up a bit, there's clutter everywhere.' Ethan said.

'You don't have to, I don't mind doing it tomorrow before my shift..' Alicia told him.

'No, I-I.. I want to. Won't take long.' He nodded. He observed her reaction, and to his relief, she seemed happy with this.

'Okay. If you get bored, or if you wanna chat. Or, if you want to come in to the bathroom. Not in the biblical sense, obviously, but-' Alicia was beginning to get flustered, obviously worried of being too insensitive.

'Alicia. It's fine.' Ethan just gave a nod, a small smile reaching his lips. Alicia just nodded back, and turned to leave the room.

Ethan exhaled through pursed lips, wondering if the emptiness in his stomach would only take a meal to subside.


	2. chapter 2

**TheBeautifulNerd: Thank you so much! I agree - Robyn's had one and one baby is enough on the show! It would've been interesting though if they'd done it. So pleased you like it so far :-)**

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan: Thank you!**

( _ **A/N) Building it up, bit of a filler chapter but I have big plans for C3 and C4 so stay tuned. Thanks to all who've followed, reviewed or messaged me!**_

Although an introvert, there were certain times when Ethan felt glad of company. Particularly, company in the form of her. Without fuss, she did everything. He felt as if she was steering, taking charge of things, and that somehow took the weight off his shoulders. Ethan bit into the pizza, and for the first time, it didn't taste like cardboard - all his meals had tasted the same since that night. This one tasted... good. He gave an appreciative nod. Alicia seemed to be of his opinion too.

'Man, this is lush. Like, actual heaven.' She commented.

'It is good.' Ethan agreed, momentarily distracted as he looked the box underneath him. He prodded it, then examined the grease on his finger. 'Must be ridiculously bad for you.' He grimaced, wiping his hand on the napkin. Alicia just chewed thoughtfully.

'Yeah. Ha. As doctors, maybe we should pay that more thought. Never mind. Life's too short, isn't it.' She shovelled more pizza into her mouth, then turned to glance at Ethan. He'd fallen quiet and his eyes had dropped. She realised what she'd said. 'Sorry. Ethan... I didn't mean to say that. I know that's what he-'

Ethan just gave a short laugh, the sort of laugh that led her to believe that he found nothing amusing in the slightest.

'Yeah. No, it's fine.' He said, his voice dripping with a heaviness that managed to stop Alicia from opening her mouth again.

They ate the rest of the takeaway in silence.

'Hey...' Alicia leaned round the door of the bedroom to see Ethan had resumed his place on the mattress, almost frozen in place. Frozen altogether, inside and out. She let out a long sigh. He didn't look round, so she moved to be beside him again.

He bit his lip, swallowed his words, and kept his eyes down. Angry. He wanted to be alone. She was encroaching on his space, wriggling into his thoughts. 'I've sorted out lunches for tomorrow and stuff. I know you worked today, but you don't have to, remember. You should really be on leave.' She said, quietly.

'I know, Alicia. I know I should! How many more times have we been through this today? When I change my mind, you will be the first to know. Obviously.' He spat, giving her a baleful look.

The vulnerability, sadness and helplessness flashed across her face before she could mask it, and his own face crumpled as he saw her. 'I'm sorry, sweetheart..' His voice cracked again.

'No.. you have nothing to be sorry about. Oh, come here.' She stretched over to wrap her arms around him, and gratefully, he held her close in response. Despite it all, he felt obliged to show her the love she needed. As much as she thought he was consumed by the grief, he still very much had headspace for her. He always had time for her.

'I might go out for a drive.' He told her, voice quiet. Alicia just looked at him, chewing her lip.

'Yeah... I'll.. I'll come.' She nodded.

'It's dropped a bit chilly now it's dark...' He replied, looking at her state of dress in concern. He knew she'd only be cold. He didn't rely all too heavily on the heating the car could provide. Also, he sought for time alone. Truly desired it. If anything, he needed to depend on his autonomy. It was nice for people to pick up the broken pieces, but at the same time, he wasn't an invalid. Far from it.

'Well, there's a blanket in the back of the car, I'm sure I'll be fine.' Alicia told him. Again, she didn't seem to grasp that he wanted to be alone. He ached for solitude, but every time he gave her the slightest of glances, this want was forgotten and brushed aside. With this in mind, he climbed off the bed, and took a couple of staggering steps to the wardrobe. After fumbling through suits and shirts and jeans, he produced a grey hoodie and threw it in her direction.

As Ethan fumbled around for his keys, Alicia had zipped up the hoodie and sorted her hair so it sat messily on the top of her head. Part of him had wanted the time alone, to reflect, to just be him and not someone's girlfriend or the brother of a dead man. Just to be him.

Alicia though, she was a worrier. He cared enough about that in itself to let her come too. When he turned round to look over at her, he felt a flood of something he hadn't felt in a while. Seeing his clothes hang off her... did things to him. The flurry of thoughts that whizzed through his mind were short-lived, as guilt soon took a stronger hold. How could he even think about that? His brother had died. Oh, god. Died. Ethan felt sick.

'You ready?' She asked, oblivious.

'Yeah.. you look.. sweet.' He added, words catching in the back of his throat.

'Sweet?' She gave a half laugh, inspecting her clothing. 'You're one with words, Ethan.'

'I... I mean it as.. it's a good thing.' He waved his hands about, exasperated.

'Thanks, I guess.' She said quietly, looking up at him again. Ethan began to feel oddly violated. It was as if she was the sole culprit of the invasion to his thoughts. Not only that, she seemed to stare him out. It was disconcerting. Perhaps she didn't mean to. Maybe, he thought, she was looking only to work him out. Maybe she was upset too, but God, he hoped not. As they made their way downstairs, he reminded himself he loved her. Loved her even more when she held the door open for him, giving him a tiny smile, almost a reiteration of how much she cared. He already knew she cared, of course. That was never a question.

Ethan drove and drove until they were at least 15 miles from his flat. Alicia hadn't asked him where they were going. It didn't seem to matter. They sat unspeaking, till she gave a sigh and placed a hand loosely over Ethan's, whose was still placed on the gearstick.

'Your hand is freezing..' Ethan finally commented.

'Oh. Sorry. It's a bit chilly, even with the heating on.' She replied, lifting hers off Ethan's, misunderstanding.

'No, I didn't mean-'

'It's okay.' She just said, chewing a nail.

'I knew you'd be cold, you.. always get cold.' He said. The words sounded pathetic even to him.

'What are we doing here?' Alicia asked, squinting to try and make out their location. It was both dark and foggy, so her success in doing this was hindered considerably. A moment of silence. Then, another question. 'Ethan... where... exactly _are_ we?'

There was an undertone of worry to her voice. As far as she was concerned, it was a foreign place and Ethan wasn't overly mentally stable. She'd left her phone back at his flat. They were, quite possibly, stranded. She knew no different.

'Don't say it like that.' He replied, giving her a withering look.

'Like what?'

'Like you're worried, or...or scared. I've not lost my marbles, Alicia. I know where we are.' He said, losing his patience.

She looked taken aback for a second, before concealing this with a forced, calmer expression. 'Where are we then?' She asked.

'At... his.' Ethan breathed.

'His? What do you mean? Who is this hi-' It fell quiet as realisation hit her. 'His, better not mean the Ellisson household Ethan.'

No reply. Alicia just shook her head, anger and fear rising. 'You are insane. So, if Scott is the culprit then... you really think sitting outside his house, keeping watch, will help anything? It will exacerbate this whole thing! That's if it could possibly be made any worse. He probably knows loads of bad people. You really think you're taking them on by yourself?' She asked.

Ignoring everything she'd just said, and much to Alicia's infuriation, Ethan picked up on her last sentence only and formed his response.

'Wouldn't be taking them on strictly by myself..' He muttered, sulkily.

Alicia's eyebrows furrowed until she realised what he meant. 'Oh, so, not by yourself, with me? Is that what you mean? Ethan! What would I even do? Fight them off with all this physical size and strength of mine? I can't do anything, nor would I particularly want to! This is crazy. I can't believe you'd rope me into this? Do you really not care about me that much? It's... it's a joke!' She gasped, incredulous.

Ethan let out another sigh. He couldn't get anything right, try as he might. 'No. Of course not, sorry. I don't really have a leg to stand on. It's almost certainly going to prove futile. I have to do it though... Cal sacrificed his life for mine. I owe it to him to do what I can. This is all I can think to do.' His eyes were glassy as he stared out the windscreen, aimlessly.

'You don't owe him anything, Ethan. You don't. He wouldn't have wanted you to... to do this! Okay? Are you even listening to me?' Alicia sighed. He sat, expressionless. She felt relief wash over her as he numbly put the keys back in the ignition.

'Let's go back, yeah?' She whispered. He gave a gulp and just nodded.

He drove for what felt like forever, but probably compromised at barely half an hour. He was careful to do so steadily, as she slept peacefully in the passenger seat by his side. She'd nodded off not long after they'd set off driving again.

Ethan tried his best to lessen the jolts and shudders the vehicle made, as not to disturb her. When he pulled onto the street outside, he rubbed his face with both hands. It had been a completely pointless excursion that had only resulted in Alicia getting upset, and the time creeping further and further up to midnight.

He checked his phone. 23:53. Poor Alicia. She hadn't even wanted to go. He... hadn't even wanted to go. He felt more as if it was a duty to go, just in case he saw Scott doing anything untoward. Then he would have had a chance of getting justice.

He did owe it to Cal. She'd told him he owed nothing, but that did little in the way of comforting him. Of course he was obliged. Cal took a knife for him.

Ethan's chest felt heavy as he carried her up the stairwell, assuming it was her sleepiness that put the slight strain on his back.


	3. chapter 3

She slid her phone into her bag, shutting her locker tight and zipping up her jacket. The sight of Scott before her made her jump. She just blinked, not knowing what to do or say. He didn't deserve a 'hi', and much less did he deserve a 'how are you'. She narrowed her eyes and attempted to brush past him, but he stood in the way. Fear began to prickle her skin, and she shivered involuntarily. He wasn't saying anything, but his own narrowed eyes said it all. Nobody was there, either. No one was due a break. Nobody would have any reason to go into the staffroom.

'So. You're the one Dr Hardy was with, are you?' He asked, voice plain and unmenacing.

'Yeah, I- I'm Alicia. Why?' Alicia spoke quietly and ran a hand through her hair.

'No reason. Wonder if you could do me a favour... _blondie_.' He looked her up and down, which put Alicia back on edge. She just looked at her feet, mind racing. Was it possible to run? As far as she was concerned, he was a murderer.

'You're not even meant to be in here...' She replied, eyes scanning beyond him wildly, desperately hoping someone would walk past.

'You what?' He spat.

Alicia just shook her head, and feebly tried to brush past him again.

'Where is he?' Scott glared.

'Who?'

'Don't act stupid. Ethan.' He looked her up and down again.

'He's.. he's working.' Alicia said, voice wobbling slightly.

'Ah, good. Convenient for me. Where?' Scott said.

'Um, here.' Alicia said, feebly.

'Obviously here. We're in a hospital. Whereabouts? Near here? Where my dad died, or is he killing someone else's dad on a different ward today?' Scott asked.

Alicia overlooked the fact Scott didn't realise Ethan only worked in emergency medicine, so would always be in the department. Scott wasn't exactly an understanding or educated individual, and it certainly wasn't the right time to explain. Neither did she want to give away his whereabouts. Scott could still be out for revenge.

Out the corner of her eye, she saw a walkie talkie on the side. Any chance she could get, she was prepared to take it. Without thinking, she grabbed it and spoke into the intercom.

'Can we have security to the staffroom, please?' She said, voice shaky.

Scott snorted, and snatched the device off her, hurling it against the wall. He grabbed her by the hair.

'You'll be sorry for that one... Dr Munroe.' He read off her ID badge. Alicia's blood ran cold. She didn't have time to process what happened next. It all went dark.

-X-

Bright lights burned Alicia's eyes as they fluttered open. She moved her arm, watching the array of wires move with it. Pain seared through her head. She saw, through her blurred vision, that figures were standing over her. One of which was Lily, the other Robyn. 'I...' Alicia begun to croak.

'Alicia, you're in hospital, okay? Technically, you never left.' Robyn added, with a sigh.

'What.. happened? How... how long have I..' Alicia begun, obviously not with it due to the drugs she'd been given.

'That's what we need you to tell us. It looks like someone has done this to you. David found you in the staffroom, closely followed by security. They believe you radioed for them. You were on the floor, when they found you. You have a minor head injury. There is a lump and we will need to scan, but I think it is minor and may lead only to concussion. Looks as if you took quite the blow. You were... lucky.' Lily chose her words carefully, pity in her eyes. Alicia appeared confused, taking it all in.

'Eth-' Alicia begun.

Robyn and Lily exchanged glances. Everything had taken place in the last hour, and Ethan was assisting in theatre with a patient. He'd heard enough bad news, and they'd all thought better of telling him anything before they knew things for certain. Even the thirty seconds between receiving the news and rushing over to her bedside would have been full of unimaginable panic. Experience as a medic and Ethan's friend told Lily that what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. However, she'd asked for him. It was only fair. Peripherally, Lily spotted Iain. After their argument, she felt it best to keep him at arms length and avoid any unnecessary contact. But. This was convenient and the words were out her mouth before she could stop them.

'Iain! Can you find Ethan, please? It's Alicia, she's been hurt. She is fine, but she is asking for him.' Lily called.

Iain's shocked expression transferred to a worried one. 'Yeah. Course.' He nodded, and abandoned Jez with the stretcher, breaking off into a jog.

When Ethan got to Alicia, still in scrubs, he just shook his head, running a hand through his hair. He sat on the chair beside the bed, and with the hand that wasn't on his head, took hers. It was clammy yet recognisable as hers; she squeezed back in the same way she always did.

'Please tell me it wasn't..' He started. Alicia just shook her head, but the tears were already falling. Anger seized his chest, tightening his lungs. He couldn't breathe. Things could have been so much worse.

'I'll leave you to it while I chase up some test results. Ethan, her notes are on the side. Waiting for the scanner, they've given us a wait time of about fifty minutes.' Lily whispered, placing the clipboard on the cabinet beside the bed and making herself scarce. Robyn tidied away the caps from the needles and drips and followed in Lily's footsteps, giving the couple some privacy. They both sat in silence. He was angry, she was thoughtful. Neither of them let go of each other's hand.

'Ethan. I'm sorry. Don't do anything stupid. Promise me you won't?' Alicia pleaded.

'This isn't your fault. I want you to know though - I can't promise anything.' He told her, eyes full of his own apologies. Alicia just squeezed her eyes shut, tears leaking down her cheeks. Ethan sighed, swiftly collecting her tears with a thumb. The way in which he moved his hand, almost involuntarily to wipe them away, reminded them both that he'd done it all too often. Too frequently was there something to be upset about. Pain wasn't news, 'Don't cry, my darling. Please. You're breaking my heart,' He just looked at her, feeling completely powerless.

Deep down, Ethan knew he'd never felt angrier. Somehow though, when he was with Alicia, he couldn't be truly angry. It all melted away. He had one default setting and it was gentle, for she was fragile and had been broken one too many times in the past by men who hadn't adopted the same attitude as he. Her first boyfriend, Ryan, who couldn't love her the way she wanted to be loved. When she went to uni and met Matt, who slept with her roommate and broke her heart. The man that hit her that one time when sorry wasn't enough. The one night stands that left in the morning when they'd sobered up, or sometimes before. She'd told him it all over a bottle of wine a few months previous, and he'd listened knowing he could never ever do that. Even Cal, who made everything into a competition. Alicia's rocky relationship with her father that crumbled right before Ethan's eyes.

Alicia's tears had abated somewhat, and she was quiet as Ethan read over the notes written in Lily's scrawly, almost illegible handwriting. It was difficult to make out exactly what it said, but there was one sentence he was sure about:

 _'Knocked over by unidentified man following dispute in main staffroom'_


	4. chapter 4

**Thanks for the reviews guys! Much appreciated. Only a short chapter and I'm not too pleased with it but stayed tuned and I'll try and update quicker. If you like my writing, I also have two other stories 'The After' and 'If He Knew' that I'm currently updating quite a lot. Hope you all enjoy tonight's ep! I've been waiting (rather impatiently) allll day haha.**

For once, Ethan felt occupied with something other than his grief.

They had discharged Alicia, though knew she still was slightly concussed. The NHS was stretched, the department was particularly stretched and they needed the space. Instead of going back to her own place, she found herself at his. Ethan fussed round her, though she wasn't accepting of the attention. She was too busy mulling over the events, thinking of Scott. Thinking of Ethan going after Scott. The concern was visible on her face, and Ethan picked up on it. 'You look.. worried.' He commented.

'Mm.' She replied, vague and not wanting to get into dialogue. She winced as pain seared through the right side of her stomach.

'What?' Ethan asked, picking up on it almost immediately. 'What, Alicia? Are you in pain?' He looked at her. She just shook her head, but she wasn't fooling either of them. 'I'll be back.' Ethan said.

Ethan reappeared with his stethoscope in hand. Alicia tried not to roll her eyes.

'I'm fine.' She tried to argue.

He held it in the air, and she knew he wasn't budging. Moving the cushion, he sat beside her, worry in his eyes.

'Let me look.'

Alicia shifted her eyes back to her phone screen, feeling awkward.

'Alicia, please...' He said again. She gave a sigh and then nodded, and so Ethan gently slid the stethoscope under the t-shirt material. She winced with how cold the chestpiece felt against her skin, and wriggled slightly.

'What are you even doing?' She sighed, impatience carrying through in her tone.

'Checking your heart rate and for any abnormalities there... the CT results came back clear but I'm checking they didn't miss anything.' Ethan told her.

'You're worrying way too much. Lily said I was fine to go, okay?' Alicia bit her lip. At that moment, Alicia's phone rang. She took it and hopped off the sofa, going into the bedroom and shutting the door. Ethan sighed, putting his stethoscope aside.

-x-

'Lily, what do you mean? Just tell me now.' Alicia hissed down the phone.

'You know that crosses a line of confidentiality, Alicia. Trust me, this would be better in person.' Lily replied, down the phone.

'What are you talking about? I'm the one getting the news. Look, Lily. Stop being a doctor for a minute. Tell me, from.. from.. a friend to another friend!' Alicia began to get exasperated.

'Everything okay?' Ethan called from the other room.

'Yeah, yeah fine! Alicia said, her voice an octave too high for him to sound believable.

'Lily, just tell me. It's over the phone, so what? It's fine.' Alicia said, voice a whisper again.

'I can't do that. I can barely hear you, Alicia. Pop in and see me later today. My shift finishes at 9.' Lily said.

'Lily, please, I can't, Ethan will think something's up and he'll come along. Whatever it is, just tell me.' The desperation in Alicia's voice must have been convincing, for Lily gave a sigh and told her.

'The test results show you're 9 weeks pregnant.'

There was a brief pause. 'Are you serious?' Alicia hissed.

'Why wouldn't I be?' Lily replied.

'I'll... okay. Sorry, I need to go.' Alicia put the phone down, hands now shaking. She emerged from the bedroom she'd gone into to take the call, and gave Ethan an uneasy smile.

'You okay? You look pale. Who was that?' He asked.

'I think I'm going to be sick...' Alicia ran towards the bathroom, and slammed the door behind her. Ethan winced as he heard the retching. After a few minutes, he went to knock on the door.

'Darling.. can you open up? I'm a bit concerned about your concussion..' Ethan's worried voice reached her ears.

Concussion or pregnancy, Alicia thought. Obviously she couldn't tell Ethan. That was a ridiculous idea. She hadn't even had the chance to comprehend it herself. It still didn't feel real. If he had to believe it was concussion, then so be it. She'd feign the symptoms and go along with it. It was convenient really, that she had a reason to be vomiting. It meant that outwardly, she wouldn't have to declare her pregnancy or anything. Pregnant. A wave of nausea hit her again, and she was sick once more, for longer this time. Her mouth tasted bitter. She couldn't have a baby. What was more, 9 weeks. She was still with Cal nine weeks before. 'Oh god..' Alicia muttered to herself, and was sick again and again.


	5. chapter 5

They sat in front of the TV hours later, eyes glassy, not really watching. Just passing the time until they had to go to bed and wake up and do the whole rigmarole that was their day-to-day life again.

Alicia's hand sat on her lower stomach. Ethan had noticed out the corner of his eye, but decided not to say anything.

Alicia didn't want to talk. She couldn't keep it inside yet didn't want to push him away further. It wasn't news like 'I'm changing my hair colour', it was news like 'I'm going to be a mother and have a little human that completely depends on me in just over half a year, and it might be your dead brother's'. That news was enough to push anyone away, never mind a broken, grieving man who she'd finally won over after months and months of trying. She couldn't do it. There was too much to lose. It was easier to pretend that she wasn't pregnant. Abortion was always a possibility, but it had never been something she felt comfortable with. Her job was to save lives, not to end them, and so having a termination would make her guilty of the worst kind of hypocrisy. A real life baby, though. A little person, half her and half one of the brothers. Ethan's blood, no matter what the outcome.

'You in pain?' Ethan's voice broke her out of her thoughts, though it sounded sleepy and distant.

'Mm, not pain as such.' Alicia replied.

'Ah. Woman pain?' Ethan asked.

Alicia felt amused. To say he was a doctor, he worded things awfully clumsily. But, it was vague, and something she could agree with that would put his chaotic mind to rest.

'Yeah, something like that.' She nodded. Ethan looked at her, then his lips curved slightly into a smile. He stretched lazily and entwined his fingers with hers. She squeezed back, glad of the warmth. It felt almost supportive, except Ethan was completely unaware of the support he was giving. She then felt guilty. It was Ethan's time to grieve. She hadn't meant to get pregnant and detract from that. There were so many things to think about, and she had to talk with at least someone.

'What was Lily talking about earlier?' Ethan asked, with a yawn.

'My scans were NAD, so that's good. She didn't want to tell me over the phone though, which was why I got a bit annoyed.' Alicia lied.

'How come you were sick?' Ethan asked, firing probing questions at her.

'I don't know, probably hormonal. Or concussion.'

'Do you get sick around that time?' Ethan asked, sympathy plastered over his face.

'Oh, um. Yeah, yeah sometimes.' Alicia felt herself lie, nodding to go along with it. He deserved to know. How long could she keep the pretence up? He wasn't ignorant to physiology. As soon as the sickness continued for longer than a week, he would be flapping around her and taking her to hospital, or worse, trying to examine her himself. Think, Alicia, think. For God's sake. She smacked a hand over her face, sliding it down.

'Sure you're okay?' He whispered.

'Yeah, I'm fine. What about you?' She replied.

'Yeah.' Ethan just nodded. 'Tired, though. Might make my way to bed, if you want to come?'

'Sure, yeah. I'm tired too, come to mention it. Least we're not working tomorrow.' She said.

'That's true...' Was the only response she received. She knew that she wasn't the only one with a mind elsewhere. He was thinking of Scott, he was angry with Scoff for pushing her, and she wished he wasn't. The past was the past, as far as she was concerned. He'd injured her, but Ethan getting angry would only make things worse. He was mad at Scott, and he sort of had a right to be. Scott murdered Ethan's big brother. Scott hurt Ethan's girlfriend. Even so. She wished more than anything that he would bury it all mentally, for his own sake. It infuriated her that Ethan seemed to care more about Scott than he did about her. She knew that his priorities were just askew, but it didn't make her feel any better knowing she didn't have his full undivided attention. He was grieving, sure, but going after a murderer was not the best thing to do. Not for anyone. Certainly not for Ethan Hardy, who probably could fight, but probably would choose not to. She worried about him. She resented the fact that she had to worry about something else as well as him. Someone else, rather. Another real person. Was it moral to bring another human into the mess and destruction that was their life? Definitely not. Ethan had absolutely no idea. They say ignorance is bliss. Ha, Alicia thought. If only anything about their life was remotely bliss.

She followed him to the bedroom, stumbling in lazily, still feeling a bit dizzy. He'd pulled back the washed covers and gave her a little smile. Of course he loved her. But it wasn't just her, not anymore. Her hand gently sat on her stomach once more. She knew she wouldn't feel anything, but it was a strange feeling to know she wasn't alone. Was it an action of comfort to her or her child? Or was it both? Ethan was still oblivious as he fussed around her, making sure she had enough pillows and had water. Alicia felt guilty for more reasons than she could begin to describe to him.


	6. chapter 6

**Bonnie Sveen Fan: Thank you! So glad you like. We'll have to just wait and see... I do agree. Ethan's so lovely and so moral, it would take a lot to push him away. Means a lot that you're following, enjoy the update x**

The once-baggy pink jumper clung to her skin. She gave a little sigh as she looked herself up and down in the mirror, full of doubt. She was going to meet Robyn, and spill the news of her pregnancy. Even so, she wanted to feel confident in herself. It wouldn't do her self confidence any good.

Plus, Ethan was waiting in the kitchen to drive her. She hardly wanted to parade the fact that she was gaining weight - she could only explain it away with fake reasons for so long. She browsed in the wardrobe again, and chose an even baggier grey jumper. This time, it disguised it quite nicely. Alicia admired herself in the mirror - this made her feel confident and more... her.

She emerged from the bedroom, flashing Ethan a little smile as she did so.

'Morning.' He gave her a smile back.

Her chest ached. He was being so good to her. It had been a week since Scott had pushed her over, yet he was still treating her like a princess. He always did. He'd never divert from his gentlemanly ways. She wondered if it was a half-hearted compensation for closing her out at times and for breaking down. Still, she didn't analyse it too much. The good days were good and that was all she needed to focus on. She just hoped he wasn't putting on too much of a front.

'Morning.' She sat down opposite him, sipping the glass of orange juice he'd poured politely.

'How are you?' He asked.

'Good, I slept really well.' She smiled, nodding. 'And you?' As an afterthought.

'Yeah, I'm.. good. I'm fine. You looked to be in a deep sleep. I popped to the shops, and...' Ethan paused as he rummaged in the carrier bag. 'This, and this.' He brandished a bottle of prosecco and a packet of what looked to be expensive condoms.

Alicia squirmed on the inside. Both of what he'd bought wouldn't be needed or used.

'Ah.' She just gave an uneasy smile, nodding.

Not knowing her as well as he liked to think, Ethan immediately went a light shade of pink. 'I'm.. sorry. Did I make that awkward?' He asked, wincing.

She just shook her head. 'No, no. It's not that, honestly. You just... caught me off-guard.' Alicia raised her eyebrows with a nod. Majorly off-guard, she thought.

'Thought we could have a quiet night in. I'm sick of pushing you aside, or even feeling like this grief is pushing me to the side of my own life.' He picked up the slice of charred toast, crunching on it, despite the fact it couldn't taste nice.

'Ethan, don't be daft, I never think like that.' She said.

'All the same. Thought we could have a nice night.' He nodded, with a smile. His eyes almost looked imploring, as if he was trying to read her and work out her reaction.

She picked up on this and quickly nodded, as to reassure him. 'True. We could.' She said, without much intonation. She didn't mean to sound flat, but she couldn't fake her voice too. It was tiring enough hiding other things.

'You look like something's bothering you..' Ethan said, obviously attempting to get to the bottom of what was the matter.

Ah, Alicia thought. There it was, Ethan's hidden insight. Of course he knew her well. Of course he knew something was up.

'I'm fine.' Alicia looked him in the eye.

He just nodded back slowly. He couldn't really push it, she was either going to tell him or not. The atmosphere felt a little awkward, so Ethan flicked on the radio in an attempt to lighten the mood. Supermarket flowers by Ed Sheeran. How very apt, Alicia thought drily.

Ethan twisted the dial all too quickly, and music from the 80s came on. They both sat, subdued and listening. Anything to break the inevitable silence. Things felt forced. Things always did when someone had a secret.

-x-

The gravel outside Robyn's tiny terraced house crunched as Ethan carefully reversed off it and drove away. Alicia knocked on the door - she hadn't seen Robyn in weeks, and she was quite excited to see Charlotte again.

'Hi!' Robyn's voice was a whisper. The baby laid flat against her shoulder, wriggling slightly.

'Hey! I've missed you. Look at her!' Alicia smiled, stepping in and wiping her feet on the doormat.

'She's a monster. Screamed all night and I've only just got her to sleep. She's nearly 17 weeks old, this needs to stop.' Robyn sighed, sounding tired. 'Never have kids, Lish.'

Alicia paused, looking Robyn in the eye before they made their way into the living room.

'What? No, no way!' Robyn squealed, not being able to help herself. Charlotte wriggled more on her shoulder, starting to grumble. Robyn moved a hand to pat her back as she sat on the sofa, opposite where Alicia was positioning herself.

'Yes way.' Alicia sighed, looking down at her interlocked fingers on her lap.

'And you're not happy? Alicia, this is just what you need! Just what Ethan needs!' Robyn said.

'I was with Cal until about 9 weeks ago. I'm ten weeks pregnant now.' She sighed.

'Oh. Oh god.' Robyn murmured, clasping a hand round Charlotte's head as she gently rocked her to sleep.

'Oh god indeed.' Alicia just agreed, chewing her lip.

'I don't think Ethan would flip. Or he might, but he'd come round.' Robyn said.

'It might not even be Cal's. There's a possibility it's Ethan's. This is going to make me sound like a slag, but, I slept with Ethan a couple of nights around that time.'

'Around that time? That's a bit... vague.' Robyn told her.

'I know, Robyn. It's the hope I'm clinging on to.' Alicia sighed, staring at the ceiling, tears filling her eyes.

'You don't have to tell anyone yet, you've got time to think. Your poor thing. You need a brew. Here, have this little tinker.' Robyn peeled the infant off her, and placed her in Alicia's lap without really asking. 'Tea or coffee?'

Alicia shifted her eyes from the baby, and glanced up at Robyn gratefully. 'Tea, please. One sugar.'

'Coming your way.' Robyn busied herself by the counter as Alicia gently cradled the baby. She stroked her tiny cheek with her knuckle, and adjusted the dummy.

'She's so cute, Robyn. Her nails are like little shells!' Alicia exclaimed.

Robyn just smiled. 'Not cute at 4am. I saw every hour of the night.'

'She's gorgeous. Aren't you? Just like your mam.' Alicia sniffed then, and Robyn looked over, concerned.

'Things will be okay, you know?' Robyn's warm words soothed Alicia a bit. 'See, you're good with Charlotte. You'll be an amazing mum, if you decide to keep the baby. If you decide you're not ready, that's fine too. You do what's right for you - don't forget?'

'Yeah, I know.' Alicia just nodded, giving a smile again when she saw the baby in her arms. Red hair sprouted from her tiny head, and her eyelashes were long and blonde. Her features were tiny and delicate, much alike a doll. A real tiny human, it really was a miracle. Alicia had worked in paediatrics and obs/gynae before, but patients were different. Work was different. You have to emotionally remove yourself from any patient that comes your way. You don't really take in how amazing it all is, until you have the chance to sit and think. Or until you know it's about to affect you.

'Here you go, one cup of tea.' Robyn settled it on the coaster, then put her own mug down on the table. She took Charlotte back, putting her in the baby swing on the floor and fiddling with the straps. It was a gaudy object, and it was loud too. Robyn's living room was poky yet cosy, but it cluttered it up in the most obtrusive way. The colours were annoying, so bright, they were almost screaming. Alicia couldn't imagine having such contraptions in her own flat. A baby really did change your whole world around.

'You look thoughtful,' Robyn said.

Alicia hadn't even noticed she'd sat back on the sofa.

'Oh, yeah.' She picked up the mug and sipped from it. It didn't taste pleasant, but she had to drink it. It was polite, and she needed all the friends she could get. 'Anyway, enough about me. Heard anything from Glen?' Alicia asked.

Robyn just shook her head, sadly, not without a quick glance in Charlotte's direction.

'No. He's... a waste of space.' Robyn said, finally finding the words.

'Men, hey? Who needs them?' Alicia sighed.

'They're not all bad. Glen's just a shocking example. He acknowledged her birth by one piddly message. It read: ' _Wow, well done. So happy for you. Congratulations xx_ '

Like he was some kind of distant relative!' Robyn said.

'He doesn't deserve you or Charlotte, in that case.' Alicia said. They both looked to the baby, whose eyes had fluttered shut.

'It's hard, sometimes. But you manage, don't you? You have to look for the good.' Robyn nodded.

Robyn somehow managed to help Alicia that day. More than she could ever tell her.


	7. chapter 7

**Bonnie Sveen Fan: Thank you! I agree completely, Robyn and Alicia make good friends. She'll feature more throughout :)**

 **TheBeautifulNerd: Thanks! She should tell Ethan... whether she will or not for a while is another matter. Hope you like this one.**

Ethan had poured prosecco into both glasses that evening. When he'd nipped to the loo, Alicia had checked the percentage. If it was low, she could probably afford a small glass. Alcohol was bad in pregnancy, but there were worse things. 11% vol. She winced, knowing she couldn't do it. Not to her baby. She hesitated and made the snap second decision to pour hers down the sink and replaced it with fizzy water. The lighting was dim, and he wouldn't notice if he'd had a drink.

He came back quickly with a smile.

'You sit down.. darling. I'll get the-' Ethan gestured towards the oven. 'Risotto. Shows you what night shifts do to you, hey?' He just shook his head. A smile crept on to Alicia's lips. He was so lovely. She was so lucky. The baby would be.. so lucky.

He'd spooned the food onto their plates, and as it was steaming, Alicia caught sight of him. 'Ethan, I need to tell you something. It's important.'

'What?' He asked, furrowing his eyebrows as he detected the slight urgency in her voice. She chewed her lip, watching him mirror her facial expression. It was a nice night. He could react in any way. He'd gone to so much trouble, too.

'Oh, it's just... this tastes amazing.'

His smile widened again. 'I'm glad you're a fan. Personally, I wouldn't go that far, but...'

'No, it's good. Never had you down for a cook.' She smiled. Relief washed over her. No having to disclose anything, not just yet.

'Well... it's the first home cooked meal in a while. I've been neglecting myself - and you, to be honest - on the health front. But not anymore.' His eyes seem to glow, radiating warmth. It was captivating as much as anything else. But lovely, really, really lovely. It was a cosy little bubble to be in - but the bubble was Alicia and Ethan sized. That was the trouble. There was no room for three, or the bubble might pop.

There was a chink as they held their glasses up.

Ethan had insisted on washing up, but Alicia had managed to persuade him to let her help. Elbow deep in suds, Alicia much deeper in thought.

'What next?' Ethan's voice pulled her out of her head.

'I'm not bothered..' She moved her lips up to kiss him, standing on her tiptoes. 'Whatever you were thinking.' Another kiss.

'Maybe we could.. get that early night?' Ethan's lips managed to stay on hers as he fumbled for the plug in the sink and pulled it.

'Mm..' Alicia managed to reply with, getting too absorbed in how it felt. It was a feeling she'd secretly yearned for. They hadn't slept together since Cal's death, mainly because they hadn't really considered it. Other things had been on their mind.

Alicia's mind felt hazy as his fingers quickly undid the buttons on her blouse. They were nimble, and the garment was strewn on the floor within seconds. She worked to undo his shirt, though not as quickly, so his own hands moved to help hers. Their fingers brushed as they did so, which caused them to lock eyes. His eyes moved up and down her body, which made her feel slightly self conscious. Then she remembered. 'Shit,' She whispered.

'Hm?' Ethan's eyes were back on hers, which was safer.

'I just feel so bloated..' Alicia put a hand to her stomach, almost to try and cover it.

'Don't...' Ethan's hand covered hers soon, a gentle effort to reassure her. 'You're beautiful.'

If only he knew, Alicia thought.

'You are amazing, you know that?' Alicia smiled, her arms loosely clasped around his neck.

He pulled a face, but didn't reply to the comment. His cheeks were flushed, and his eyes sparkled. 'You're the amazing one.' The eye contact was too intense for both of them, so he broke it with another small kiss. 'And do you know what? I'm going to show you.'

Alicia's mind was elsewhere but she had never been so sure that her body was right there, with Ethan. Physically, she was his. She'd given herself to him and he was doing the vast majority of the hard work, willingly. He made her feel things that no man had ever made her feel before, and as much as it was scary, it was beautiful and refreshing. She wondered how he knew what to do, how he got so good that he made her thoughts turn to liquid in minutes. It wasn't exactly like he'd been with hundreds of women. Having said that, his job. He'd probably studied about it. He studied for everything.

They both laid on their backs, breathing quite heavily.

'I missed you.' Ethan finally admitted, locking eyes with her again.

'You too. You got good.' She raised an eyebrow.

'I didn't want to sleep with you, I wanted to make love to you.' He told her, reaching for her hand under the covers. She took his, locking their fingers together, but her face screwed up in confusion at what he'd said.

'And before you say they're the same, I'm playing on words. Just don't question it. There is a subtle difference, in my opinion.' He smiled, watching her smile too.

'Well, it was great.' She stretched, with a yawn. She subtly, under the covers, rested a hand on her stomach. 'Really great.'


	8. chapter 8

Alicia.' Ethan's voice was throaty and almost purposeful, and it carried a tone that made her want to stay rooted to the floor. Instead, she turned round, giving him a small smile.

'What?' Ethan's face twitched slightly, expression wobbling. He planted a piece of paper down on the worktop beside where she getting a drink. She looked at the overturned piece of paper, then back to Ethan. 'What?' She asked, yet she still didn't move to turn the paper over. When he didn't answer and just continued to stare at her, she sighed with annoyance and picked it up. 'Why couldn't you just tell me what was-'

Ethan cleared his throat and they made eye contact again.

'Look, I was going to tell you-'

He let out a laugh. 'Yeah. When, exactly?'

'Soon! Ethan, please...' Her voice caught in her throat. He just gave a shake of the head and snatched the paper back, crumpling it up and putting it in his pocket.

'You shouldn't even have that though, should you?'

'I was sorting patient files out. It fell to the floor. I picked it up, see who it belonged to, and, well...'

'Confidentiality...' She muttered, eyes filling up with tears. She hung her head slightly so he wouldn't see.

'From your boyfriend? If it's that you have a low white blood cell count, or perhaps another infection, I could maybe afford you some understanding. In my book, this is something to be shared.' He couldn't help raising his voice.

'I really couldn't...' She began to justify herself.

'Nothing vindicates this, Alicia. I am confused and I am hurt. Why would you keep this from me?'

'Don't make me out to be a bad person, you don't know how it feels.'

'You're right. I don't.'

'What is the matter with you? You're reacting so strangely! Any other person would be happy - _you_ should be happy!'

'Should I? Really? Is it even my happiness?' He glowered.

'I did sleep with you around that time. I didn't mean to get pregnant, did I? I didn't ask to be! It's not something you get a choice in. This is why I didn't want to tell you, I feared for how you'd react.'

'Around that time.' He laughed then, almost mocking of her.

'It's too early to jump to conclusions yet, we can do tests.'

'We can't do tests though, can we? Paternity tests in siblings are inconclusive, 98% of the time. You know that. Plus, would you really be happy with your unborn baby being prodded and poked about? It's not safe, Alicia. That's not even the point. I wish you'd just told me when you found out! You had to tell me at some point, so why now?'

'I know, if I could turn back time...' Her voice wobbled.

'Oh believe me. Me too.' He narrowed his eyes, watching her face fall as she understood.

Connie walked in as Alicia choked back a sob. Her eyes flew over to the corner of the room, puzzled at the junior doctor.

'Alicia, you've been on break for nearly half an hour. That's way too long. Back to work please.' The clinical lead addressed her icily, which seemed to make her even more upset. Ethan watched the interaction, a lump in his throat as he saw her face. He couldn't even step in to defend her - he couldn't even defend himself anymore. With another slight shake of the head, he wondered what was up with him.

'What was all that about?' Connie turned to Ethan, expectantly.

'Oh. Was, um, nothing.' Ethan nodded.

'Right...' Connie raised an eyebrow, clearly not fooled. 'Dr Munroe looked pretty upset, that was all.' She left the room, not pressing things further since she knew the state Ethan was in himself.

Alone once more, Ethan sighed and caught sight of Alicia through the glass window. She was taking care of the sharps bin in resus, looking noticeably shaken and sad. A compelling urge begged him to go through to her, to hold her, to dry her eyes and apologise. He didn't. He pulled out the screwed piece of paper from his pocket. 17 weeks she'd kept a secret. As Lily was the doctor who'd treated her, she had known, but it wasn't Lily's place to tell. Mulling over the situation some more, everything became a little more clear. Alicia wanted to bear the burden herself; that was obvious to him. He knew she wouldn't want him feeling under any extra strain. Maybe she worried for the relationship. Maybe she considered a termination. Maybe she was processing it herself. Maybe she did it with his best interests in mind. Maybe she was just scared. He glanced up again, seeing her back to work with a patient. He felt like the worst human being in the world.


	9. chapter 9

'Charlie...' Ethan called.

'Ethan! Uh, can it wait? I just have to chase up these test results for Elle.' He replied.

'Uh...' Ethan's expression clearly communicated with hesitation.

'Look...' Charlie started. 'Louise!' He called the young nurse, who was just standing about chatting to Noel. 'Can you take over?' He muttered a few words to her and she sighed and flounced off. 'Sorry, Ethan. I'm all ears. Are you okay?'

'Uh, no. Not really.' Ethan admitted.

'Oh really? Why's that?'

Ethan laughed slightly, then his expression hardened. 'Alicia's only pregnant.'

'Oh.' Charlie just said, not expressing his opinion either way. 'And that's good or bad?'

Ethan just held his hands up. 'It's neither. It's just unexpected. Well, for me, anyway, it turns out she's known a while. Kept me in the dark, of course. I lashed out... at her earlier.'

Charlie paused to process the information, sitting down on a plastic chair and tapping the one next to him so Ethan did the same. 'Because you felt out the loop and like you weren't good enough as she didn't share the news?'

Ethan nodded slowly, wondering how Charlie always managed to have crazily piercing insight.

'Yes.' He struggled to push the word out, for it tasted bitter. 'Yes. I failed to put my pride aside and so I hurt her. And now... now she's sad. I did it all.' His voice trailed off, eyes glazing over.

'When does Alicia finish?' Charlie asked.

'I don't know. In the next hour.' He mumbled.

'You should go off with her, make it up to her.'

'I bought her dinner last time, it won't wash again.' He shook his head. 'Yeah, "last time". Makes me sound like a monster. I'm lucky I have a girlfriend who allows me to be able to say that phrase. Who stays, I mean. Why... I mean... why hasn't she walked? She deserves better, Charlie.' He scoffed, kicking the chair leg with his foot.

'She's still there because she loves you, and she clings on to the hope that you're getting better. You just need a heart to heart. I agree, she perhaps should have told you earlier. Although I do think she was trying to bear the burden so that you didn't have to. That's not to make you feel bad, but it's just to put things in perspective.' Charlie told him, eyes full of pity. The man sitting aside him was barely a man; Ethan was a stranger to the world in comparison to him. Charlie had worked at the hospital for longer than Ethan had been alive. In under thirty years of life, he'd lost parents, a mother, another mother, a father, his brother, and received the news he had Huntington's. There he was, carrying the weight of the world.

'Thanks, Charlie.' Ethan just muttered.

'It's fine. It's my hospital, strictly. I'll speak with Connie and you can clock off at 6. I'd be with her tonight if I were you. Apologise, explain how you feel in a more rational way. Things will seem clearer in the morning.' Charlie said. Ethan nodded, chewing his lip.

'It might not even be my baby. Then what?' He asked.

'Cross that when you come to it. It all boils down to what you value, Ethan. That baby is your flesh and blood in some capacity. Just, finish your shift and go speak to her.' Charlie patted his shoulder reassuringly.

'Thank you.'

-x-

'Uh, hello.' Ethan sidled up to Alicia in the pouring rain, awkward as ever, haphazardly putting an umbrella up and leaning to hold it over her head. She tried to duck from under it, but he moved with her, and so she sighed, cross.

'Look, not now. Alright? Even if you're sorry. I accept your apology, if you've got one, I just don't want to know.' She shook her head, trying to dismiss him. Rejection bubbled in his stomach. He tried to shake it off, but it came back with a vengeance when she narrowed her eyes at him. 'Please, hear me out.' He practically begged her, his voice grovelling.

'What then?' She stopped in the car park, rooted to the floor, clearly realising he wasn't losing interest in talking to her.

'Uh, somewhere more private?' He asked.

She ran her tongue around the inside of her mouth, clearly put out. 'Why should I?'

Ethan let out a noise that was a mixture of a gasp and a laugh, letting go of his apologetic approach in fewer seconds than he cared to. 'Because you're... because! Why shouldn't you?'

'Ethan...' Her voice was warning now. 'If you want to talk to me, then don't speak to me like that! You're going about this all wrong.' She shook her head, blonde curls bouncing around her shoulders as she did so. Ethan hated her for not having the ability (or willingness) to understand. He wished she'd cut him some slack, just for one second. He was entitled to feel exasperated. More than. Yet, he needed to play his cards right, so he nodded meekly.

'Yeah, sorry.' He bit his tongue, for he had never felt less sorry. 'Let's talk.' Hearing his voice so feeble, she gave a slow nod.

'We can go to mine. The others won't mind.' She suggested.

'Sure.' Ethan said, voice dripping with enthusiasm that he'd managed to dig up from somewhere. It was all contrived, but she hadn't seen through it. Ethan hated everything more than ever. He wanted to scream, break things, damage things like things had and continued to damage him. He didn't want to be humble. Instead, he was playing silly games with a woman who was likely carrying his dead brother's baby. Things didn't seem anything like fair.

'Here, have some tea.' Alicia pushed a mug into his hands. He didn't want it. He imagined dirty dishwater to taste better, but he always drunk them anyway, whether he was mad with her or not. It was one of those things that he'd done once and by doing so, had unduly committed to it indefinitely. So long as she was happy, he was happy. He sipped it, downing it all while she cleared away, giving her an appreciative smile when she looked up.

'I'm sorry for reading your notes, you were right - they should have been confidential. There's no excuses for it, and I shouldn't have lashed out either.' He said.

Her arms were wrapped around his neck before he knew it, loosely encasing it. 'Ethan,' She sighed. 'I know you've had a lot on. That's exactly why I wasn't in a rush to tell you. I know that upset you though, and quite rightly so. I just had to think about what was best.' She planted a kiss on the top of his head and ruffled his hair, another thing he disliked. She always seemed so intent on treating him like a doll and it wound him up at the best of times.

'Okay. So now what? Where from here?' He tried his best to keep up the pretense of amiablity, but it was fading fast and his patience was wearing thin.

'Well, exactly. That's what I was hoping to discuss.' She sat beside him then, moving her hands to her stomach.

'This little... bean is growing every day.' She looked down at her stomach, her eyes noticeably softer. 'And he or she is going to need parents that are nurturing and supportive.' She spoke as if she was addressing her bump, rather than Ethan. She seemed to realise too, for she glanced upward and met his eyes.

'I-I don't expect you to stay, not if you don't want. If it feels too much like a chore, then it's okay.' She said, although her eyes seemed to be shining (perhaps with tears or hope or both, Ethan thought). He didn't really have a choice, even if he'd wanted one.

'Don't be silly,' He breathed, finally able to express something truthful for the first time in their conversation. 'There's nowhere else I'd be.'

'Does it change things if it ends up being Cal's?' Alicia asked, biting her lip.

Ethan thought for a moment. He knew that, certainly to him, it would. He straightened his face, smoothing out any doubts that flickered upon his expression. He had to at least appear collected.

'No, if we do end up finding out before or after he's born, course not. Still my biological nephew, and my son all the same.' Ethan lied. He didn't berate himself for it - neither he or Alicia had ever valued honesty with one another. That all-important key quality went out the window before they even got together. Lying felt easy, especially when it saved feelings. He breathed and looked out the window, watching the rain fall in drops that splattered against the glass.

'I'm glad to hear that. This baby is lucky. You hear that, little one? You're lucky.' Alicia traced her stomach, radiating love and everything positive towards her unborn child. Ethan watched on, feeling it was bittersweet. The notion of having a maternal mother wasn't something that ever resonated with him, but watching Alicia interact, however early on, made him realise what it was all about.

'You'll be a good mum.' He told her.

'You think?' She asked, eyes sparkling then.

Ethan realised just how much she needed and sought for other people's reassurance. 'Yeah, course I do. Definitely, absolutely. The best, in fact. The little one - our little one - is blessed.' Compliments tumbled out his mouth in a torrent. Much as he was eager to please, he also meant every single word. He knew she'd make a beautiful mum, just as he knew his brother would have been delighted. This alone reminded him he'd made the right decision in staying.

'Aw, I'm flattered. Thank you.' She smiled, noticeably happier and more excited.

'It's true.' He replied. 'When's your scan?'

'Should be at 20 weeks, as you know, which is just under three weeks away. They can only fit me in next week though, so I'm ten days or so early having it. Can't wait to find out the gender.' She smiled. And abnormalities, Ethan thought, although he knew the test for Huntington's wouldn't be done at all if they ended up doing the paternity test. That would show it, loud and clear. If the baby had the gene, it would be his. If it hadn't, the odds would be in Cal's favour.

'Not long then, you must be excited.' He said.

'I am.' She replied.

Although he smiled back at her, he couldn't help but think that this baby was invading their lives with its presence - it was taking over every single little thing. He still hadn't had chance to grieve, and he knew if he even expressed his emotions, it would only upset Alicia. Things were complicated, and he wanted Cal more than ever before.

 **Thanks for all your lovely comments guys! So, what gender do you think the baby will be?**


	10. chapter 10

Ethan watched as Alicia practically ran around the supermarket, dashing from aisle to aisle without really stopping to talk to him or even take a breath.

'Anyone would think you're happy!' Ethan's voice faltered, happiness there for sure, but a little contrived.

'I am. I've always wanted a girl.'

'Yes. She'll be spoiled.' Ethan nodded, his lips thinly stretched in what he only could hope would appear a smile. Alicia, in true Alicia style, was oblivious to everyone and everything around her. It was like she had one focus, and it was to arm herself (and Ethan) with as many tiny pink items as possible. He'd turn his back for one second, and she'd reappear with armfuls of blankets and accessories.

'Uh, might you want to pace yourself darling? We have quite a few months left yet.' He advised, as he watched her practically clear the rails.

She just smiled at him, and turned the corner, grabbing yet another pack of pink vests.

'Alicia, enough now!' He gave a startled laugh as he saw the piles and piles of things in the trolley.

'We've practically raided Asda. There will be more times.'

'Oh, I'm not done yet. Come on, this is _exciting_ , Ethan!'

'How about we move on to toiletries instead?' He suggested weakly, if only to buy himself some more time to think about a distraction while they walked over.

'See! Good idea.' She grinned, believing he was getting into it.

'Yes.' He rested a hand on her back lightly, trying to ignore the stares they were receiving from other customers. He swallowed, uncomfortable.

'See, we're there. Maybe we could pick up a car seat while we're at it?' He suggested.

'Oh bless you. We're doctors, but we're not made of money though!' Alicia gave him a funny look, followed by a smile.

Ethan raised his eyebrows, with a nod. He then eyed up the trolley again, and muttered 'you don't say' to himself.

-x-

'Still can't believe that was over two hundred, and you picked the bill up. I feel so bad...' She gushed, on the way to the car.

'Don't be silly, I wanted to.' He replied, unlocking the car with his keys. Technically, it was on Cal. Would Cal have minded? It was a bit of a waste of money, but all the same, probably not. He would have and did do anything for Ethan, right until the bitter end.

'Even so, we should've gone halves.'

'You're happy, right?' He forced a smile.

'Yeah. Yeah I am.' Alicia stretched over to kiss his cheek.

'Anything for my girls.' He said, slightly too monotonous to sound genuine.

'Oh, you're so sweet.' Alicia climbed into the car, the picture of happiness. He knew he could still get away with much, for he was "grieving" as far as she was concerned and so she unwittingly made allowances, for each and every second of their interaction. He realised she'd stopped even noticing the flatness in his voice and felt guilty. Either she'd chosen to ignore it, or that was simply his voice and she had become accustomised to it. 'Missing Cal?' She whispered when they both were buckled in. Her voice infiltrated Ethan's thoughts.

Yes. More than ever. He swallowed the lump in his throat. 'A bit, yeah. Sorry if I'm being miserable.' His hand found hers.

'No...' Alicia shook her head. 'Don't feel bad. I know I'm having this baby, but it doesn't mean you've got to be singing and dancing Ethan. I don't expect anything of you, and I know healing takes time. I am still here for you.'

For once, Ethan found himself surprised by her. She deserved the credit - she had actually managed to afford him some degree of understanding. Just when he thought she was wrapped up in all things baby. He glanced up and met her eyes. They were comforting, yet concern swum in them.

'I've got you.' The words barely left her lips.

He swallowed the lump in his throat that had managed to lodge itself there once more, and screwed the keys into the ignition without even looking. He set his eyes upon the road and they drove, watching the sky melt into the trees in the distance. An amalgamation of colour; orange, yellow, red, purple. Truly beautiful. And, it had been a good day. He dared to believe it. The falling day was so beautiful, so breathtaking. Endings, Ethan thought, could be beautiful too in their own right.

Alicia had been quiet, thoughtful almost. He could sense it, and more than anything, he didn't want her to think he was boring. Sure, they were past the stage of trying to impress one another, but it still mattered to him that he made an effort for her. She deserved it.

'So, what names are you thinking?' He asked.

'I don't know. I like vintage ones, they've got a nice feel to them.'

Ethan didn't miss a beat. 'Like Patricia, Mary?'

There was a short silence. 'Uh, well I was thinking more like-' She was interrupted by Ethan's chuckling.

'Thank God. Don't joke like that!' She said, smiling all the same.

'Baby Patricia Hardy. Ring to it, that.' He nodded.

She pulled a face of outrage, and he glanced at her. Smiling, he fixed his eyes back on the road.

'You're going to have to explain what you mean, or there could be some awful miscommunication that results in a baby Margaret.'

'Like, I quite like Nancy.'

He screwed his nose up. 'Bit pompous.'

'Cute though.'

'You can't name our child - your child - something you think is "a bit cute". What about when they're thirty and they want to be taken seriously?'

'Like Elizabeth, or Violet, or... Sadie.' Alicia nodded.

'Mm.' Ethan said, not really reacting either way.

'Adelaide, Beatrice, Florence, Nora, Elsie...' She continued, counting them on her fingers.

'Nothing too pretentious.' He said.

'They're not pretentious, are they?' She replied, looking a bit offended.

'They just seem a bit stuffy. Adelaide is quite nice though.' He said.

'I like that one. Lot of nicknames, too.'

'Yeah. We can sleep on it though, I suppose there's no real rush.' Ethan said, watching the road.

'Course. I'm just so happy,' She smiled. 'So happy. We need to celebrate. Obviously, no drink. What about a takeaway?'

'Not the healthiest...'

'Cravings...' She moaned.

He rolled his eyes slightly. 'Where am I driving?'

She smiled, smugly. 'The best Indian in Holby.'

'Mother India it is - it's only round the corner.'

'You're so good to me.' She smiled lovingly.

'When do you not get what you want?'

'Um, it's not what I want. This is all little...' Alicia moved her hand to her stomach.

'Patricia.'

She laughed, loudly, which made Ethan smile. 'Don't call her that! It'll stick. Honestly, we best decide on an actual name soon. Your daddy is a numpty.'

'Daddy knows a good name when he... thinks of one.' Ethan smirked.

She tutted. 'Take no notice, my darling. Mummy's going to get you a nice bhuna.'

His forehead crinkled, bemused. 'What if little Patricia doesn't want a bhuna? She might be more of a madras kind of girl.'

'You're not, are you? You like what mummy likes. Lots and lots of naan bread.' She rubbed her stomach, almost protectively.

Ethan laughed then, at her, but affectionately. 'You have got a unique way with your unborn child.'

Alicia laughed back then, and then a smile rested on her face. 'Haven't heard you laugh like that in ages.'

'I'm happy.' He said, honestly enough. 'You make me happy, Alicia.'

She tilted her head slightly to look at him, a smile appearing on her lips. They pulled up outside the shop. 'Let's go get curry.'

'Let's. It's important to get a balanced diet, especially in the second trimester, so I'm doing home cooking from tomorrow.'

'My last edible meal in months.' She pulled a sad face as they walked inside. He went to tickle her, and she skipped away, laughing.

'Go on, go choose. For Patricia's sake, nothing too spicy. Don't want to blow her new little socks off before they're even on her feet.'

'Her feet haven't even formed, I don't think.'

'Exactly!'

As Alicia speculated over the array of choices, Ethan wondered if it took something so simple as a new life to fix an already broken one.


	11. chapter 11

'On a more serious note, thank you all for coming. I... we thought this was the best way to announce it, instead of a baby shower later on. You're all amazing colleagues, and brilliant friends too. To you all, and to bump.' Alicia said, stepping back from the microphone as everyone raised a glass at her words. The Hope and Anchor was a cosy venue for most celebrations - it had seen casual drinks, leaving parties, christening dos, funeral drinks, and even wedding parties. It was easy and convenient for all those finishing shifts, and everybody lived within walking or driving distance. She'd just passed the halfway marker in her pregnancy, and she felt full of pride to announce new life with everyone that mattered surrounding her.

'Congratulations.' Dylan nodded towards Alicia.

'Thanks, Dylan. Really. The card and the voucher is appreciated too, it's so lovely.' She gushed.

He just nodded, turning back round to the bar.

'Alicia. Here.' Lily outstretched her arm, rather rigidly. She brandished a rather expensive-looking gift bag, and Iain hung a few paces behind her. It was obvious that she hadn't approached her by choice, but instead mere obligation.

'Thank you.' Alicia managed a smile. 'So kind of you, Lily.' Lily just nodded slightly, before dropping her eyes from Alicia's eyes to her stomach. She noticed and a hand shot there quickly.

'Do you know the sex?'

It was forced chit-chat on Lily's part, but Alicia beamed all the same. 'It's a pink one!'

Lily just nodded again, and noticing the awkwardness, Iain stepped forward. 'That's great! Bet Ethan can't wait to be outnumbered.'

'Iain...' Lily hissed, knowing all too well the tentative situation about the paternity.

'What?' He muttered back, turning to glare at her.

Her lips pressed together as a smile, awkward. 'It's okay, Lily. He is... he's uh, he's lucky. Sorry, excuse me.' Alicia gently brushed past the pair.

-X-

'It's a wine for me.'

Ethan turned to look at her as she sidled up to him. 'You're pregnant.'

'Yeah, so what? Odd glass won't hurt.'

'Except it might - you're 22 weeks gone. How about a lemonade?' He tried.

'Come on, don't be boring, Ethan.' She sighed, delving in her bag for her purse.

'I'm not being boring, I'm being a doctor. I advise pregnant women every day to give up drink. It would be awfully hypocritical of me.' He tipped his own pint glass upwards, draining the last few drops. 'And you, Alicia, also have a degree in Medicine. You should know better.'

'No need to be like that, though.' Her brows snapped together.

Sighing heavily, he turned to meet her eyes. 'I'm not going to stop you.' He sounded deflated.

'If it worries you that much, I won't. I just want to celebrate. The support from our friends is unparalleled, I just- I feel lucky. Little one has a lot of love surrounding her.'

'Go for it, then.'

She nibbled her lip, hesitating for a moment. After ordering and receiving her glass, she wiggled onto a stool and faced him.

'Penny for your thoughts.' She said, taking a sip and making a face as the bubbles tickled her throat. His fingers grazed the rim of his own pint glass, eyes not meeting hers.

Deciding it was wise not to press things, she looked round the room. People mingled, laughing and chatting. It was tight for room; people were jammed into corners and seats were pressed up against neighbouring ones. The lighting was dim and there was a buzz of noise audible above the music playing. She thought of how the atmosphere couldn't be more perfect.

'What a great turn-out!' She commented, sick of being sat in silence. Too many a time did she make allowances for him "just wanting a bit of quiet", grief or otherwise. An exclamation might provoke a response, she thought. It did.

'Yeah.' He concurred, looking upwards slightly.

'Your mind is elsewhere, what's-'

'Alicia, it's really not. Could you just...' He stopped suddenly, realising he was snapping.

'Go away?' She finished his sentence for him, with a sigh.

He closed his eyes, in the way that he usually did when he wanted to shut the world out. Stop feeling or thinking for a while. 'No, of course not. Sorry. Again.' She just nodded, accepting.

'Have you spoken to many people this evening then?' She asked.

A pause. 'Yeah. Well, they've spoken to me, rather. Congratulating me, telling me I'll love being a father. A memorable comment was David's, enlightening me on his lengthy efforts to conceive Oliver and how there's nothing like your own biological child.' Ethan's eyes seemed to darken, heavy and communicating an emotion that she struggled to read. Guilt? Regret? Anger? Or all three.

She slid her hand over his, almost pityingly. He sat like that for two seconds. Not being able to bear the bubbling resentment, he jerked his hand away. She observed him carefully, long surpassing feelings of rejection. It was natural of Ethan to react in unexpected ways, or for him to react erratically.

'Okay.' She just nodded, quietly.

'Okay?' His voice rose. 'Why do you let me do this, say these things, then say it's okay? It's not okay, is it? Everything is far from bloody okay! Wouldn't it be perfect if everything was as okay as you say it is, Alicia?'

The pub fell quiet. Ethan swallowed hard, blinking back the tears in his own eyes. He tugged his coat free from under the stool and brushed past bodies, leaving without so much as another word. Before long, eyes travelled from the door to Alicia, almost expectantly.

She just turned round to everyone, managing a small shrug. Tears formed in her eyes. In an instant, several colleagues flocked over to her, encasing her, trapping her.

'Give her space, you lot!' Louise tried in vain to brush people away with her arms. 'I said, give her space!' People raised eyebrows and left, and the noise level resumed.

Louise nodded, almost triumphantly. Robyn just shook her head at her and muttered something inaudible, hating how Louise was still so self-focused when it was their friend in need.

'What was that about?' Robyn asked, hand on her shoulder.

Alicia gulped, torn. She wanted to spill everything, but owed it to Ethan and his dignity not to. He'd just embarrassed her, but she couldn't and wouldn't wrong him too. Despite not being too moralistic, he was her person, and it boiled down to love. It always had to.

'Nothing. It's nothing major, we just row a bit. I need a larger wine than this.' She lied and downed the last half, even though it tasted stale.

'That's your little girl.' Louise whispered, as she saw Alicia's eyes scanning the alcohol board. 'She needs you. Look after her.'

Surprisingly, Alicia took heed in her words. 'Yeah. I'm being stupid, reckless. God, help me...' She whispered to herself, blinking the tears back. Louise and Robyn exchanged glances, knowing there wasn't much to be done. 'I'm a rubbish mam and she's not even here yet.'

'No, no you're not.' Robyn rubbed her back in circles, catching Max's eye across the room and widening her eyes at him. She hoped he'd get the message and go find Ethan. 'You're not rubbish, you're lovely. I had a few drinks when I was pregnant with Charlotte and she's fine, isn't she?' She soothed.

Alicia sniffed. 'That could have been luck. What if I've hurt her?'

'Now, that's unlikely. There's worse things than finishing a drink when you're pregnant. Your perspective is off, it's probably the hormones. Why don't you come back to ours and I'll make you a cuppa? Charlotte's being looked after by Duffy all night, so I have an empty place. Leave the boys - and Lily - to it?' Robyn suggested.

Alicia hiccuped through the tears, managing a small nod and a grateful smile. 'Yeah. Thanks, Robyn. I feel like a right spoilsport, crying at my own party.'

'No, don't worry. Pregnancy, eh? Sends you mad.' Robyn gave a gentle laugh.

Knowing bitterly that her tears were long overdue, and that it had nothing to do with hormones, Alicia had no choice but to agree.

'Now,' Robyn guided her out the door, managing to wave in farewell and apology to all the guests on the way out. 'Tell me, what's the name of this baby? We can't just keep calling her bump.'

'Funny you should ask,' Alicia sniffed. 'We've been trying to name her for weeks. Over a month, I'd say. I said I liked classic names, and Ethan came up with Patricia. It's sort of been a nickname ever since. Don't know what we'll do when she's actually born.' She managed a giggle then.

'Patricia's cute.' Louise argued.

'Erm, Louise? Are you out of your mind?' Robyn laughed.

'No, actually, I had an aunt Patricia.' Louise pouted then, sulking.

Robyn just rolled her eyes. 'You mean like, Betsy, and Ada. Cute ones, don't you?'

'Yeah, something like that.' Alicia wiped her eyes on her sleeve, forgetting that streaks of mascara would forever be etched into the white cotton as a reminder of the evening.

'You'll need to start thinking soon. Maybe make a list of ones you like and ones Ethan likes? Then you can choose. You don't have to go traditional, there's lots of trendy names. Trust me, I know how hard it is. I ended up naming Charlotte after the Royal baby. Bit lacking in imagination, I know, but you have to get your inspiration from somewhere.' Robyn said.

'Charlotte's a nice name, though. I like the list idea. We'll just have to keep thinking. Or I will. Depends if Ethan wants any kind of involvement and doesn't strop off like a petulant toddler. Since I've been pregnant, it's like having two babies to think of, I swear.' Alicia sighed shakily.

'He'll come round, he probably just needs the night to think and reevaluate. If it was only a little quibble, you'll probably find he apologises. Till then, try not to think of him. We'll have a girls night.' Robyn reassured.

Alicia just nodded, wishing it was as straightforward to fix as a little quibble would be. 'Thanks, both of you.'

 **Thank you all for reading, glad you're enjoying. Please let me know what you think - oh, and name the baby!**


	12. chapter 12

The wind blew hard, biting her ears and nose as she walked down the street. Between her mittened hands, she clutched a portable mug of coffee. The steam billowed into the air, ascending and disappearing before she could blink. It was so cold, not seasonal for mid October. 24 weeks pregnant, to the day. That was it, she was going to have the child. That single thought terrified her the most. This baby, this person, was coming out and there were no two ways about it. 3 more months and there she'd be, no longer inside, but breathing with her own lungs.

Alicia was scared.

'Morning.' Ethan greeted her, matching her facial expression as he himself winced at the temperature. 'Rather chilly, isn't it?'

Alicia just looked at him, staying quiet. 'I'm sorry.'

'How many times have you said-'

'I know, I am truly sorry.'

'So, in the past two weeks, I felt our baby move for the first time.'

'R-really? Move? Right... um... wow.' He held his hands up.

'Yeah.' She nodded, eyes widened.

'I know I should have been there. I've just been so busy with work, and after the baby reveal party when I embarrassed you, I thought it best-'

'To ignore and avoid me for nearly 16 days?'

'You counted the- sorry. I should've kept in touch.' He sighed, learning the right and wrong things to say. She nodded, sucking her teeth, still annoyed.

'Ethan, yes or no. Do you want to be around for this baby's birth?'

'Yes. I do.' He looked into her eyes, communicating with as much honesty as he could muster. 'I really do. Things will be different when she's born. Things will be different now, I promise.'

She narrowed her eyes slightly, wanting to hear more grovelling. She did, and she finally cleared her throat to stop him.

'I know that you're still grieving, Ethan. I don't expect you to wave a magic wand. I know you want your brother. I do too.' She whispered, a lump forming in Her throat. 'However, it's not just us now. It's us and this one.' She patted her stomach, then paused. 'She's kicking, feel. Saying hello to daddy...' Alicia said, softly. Ethan gently put his hand on Alicia's stomach. 'Press down a bit.' She told him.

'Don't want to hurt her, or-or you.'

'You won't, don't be daft.'

He waited a couple of seconds, then gave a gasp. 'Oh my g- that's amazing, Alicia.' Tears filled his eyes before he could help it.

'Isn't it just?' She smiled, happily then. 'Letting us know she's around.'

'Babies are wonderful. I never quite- wow.' He wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. 'That's really... moved me. It really has.'

'You'll make a great dad.' She smiled, lovingly.

'So you keep saying. You'll make an even better mum.' He told her. 'Is all forgiven?'

'Yes, forgiven but not forgotten.' She answered, still an edge to her voice.

'Good. I'm sorry for behaving like a tool. I do love you.' He moved to kiss her cheek.

'Love you too.' She replied. They walked into work, side by side.

'Look at that little bump under your scrubs. It's so cute!' Robyn pointed out. Alicia just smiled as she gathered some papers together.

'You look amazing, Lish. You're glowing. You remember me when I was pregnant, my skin was awful. I came to borrow your moisturiser like every morning.' Robyn laughed.

Ethan looked up at that point, meeting Alicia's eyes with his own sparkling ones. She chewed her lip.

'Yeah, I remember.'

'I remember that one morning when you took forever. I woke you up and you had to look for it, then you fell against that cabinet. Remember?'

Alicia remembered all too well. She'd shoved Ethan in a panic and he'd bumped his knee on the radiator. She'd always thought the cover up looked suspicious, but apparently not. Dodging Ethan's eyes again, she managed to give a polite laugh.

'Yeah, I liked that moisturiser. Shame that Body Shop have stopped doing it now.'

'10/10 for subject change.' Ethan muttered as he brushed past her.

'Yeah. I've got a good one though. It's like a herbally lavender one. It's called Sleepy. I use it and I'm straight to sleep. Yet to try it on Charlotte, though I hope it'll work.' She said.

'Oh, was that the one from Lush? I heard about it on Facebook.' Alicia commented.

'Yeah. It's expensive, but it's worth a shot. Be good when you've got your baby.'

'Definitely. Thanks, Robyn. Will have to give it a try. I mean-'

'Dr Munroe? Cubicles, please.' Connie said, sounding frazzled. She was either put out by the two having a chit chat on a busy Saturday morning, or simply stressed from her workload, or both. Alicia didn't want to get on her wrong side, so she happily obliged.

'Course, what do we have?' She asked, as the clinical lead drew back the curtains in a flourish.

'Charlie Davids, 19. Got hit in the groin area a week ago, now a lump has appeared so he came, rather sensibly may I add, to get it checked out. However, upon examination, I suspect a sexually transmitted infection is also at play. Your job is to work out which and then treat it.'

It almost felt like she'd done it on purpose. 'Ah... right.' Alicia muttered, cursing Connie mentally for giving her the patient nobody wanted. 'Hi Charlie, I'm Dr Munroe, you can call me Alicia. We're going to need a urine sample firstly, then I'll send in my colleague to take some bloods. Since Mrs Beauchamp has already conducted an examination, I'm sure we'll trust her abilities and another one won't be required as yet. Lucky you.' She smiled.

'Have you ever had one of these STI things, Doctor?'

'Me?' Alicia gave a nervous laugh, knowing Ethan and David were working on the patient in the next cubicle. 'Bit of a personal question, Charlie.'

'So you have then? You'd say no otherwise.' His eyes gleamed.

Alicia rolled her eyes, exasperated and not mentally together enough to deal with the patient's quick and embarrassing questioning.

'I don't have to answer, but I will, seeing as it serves to medically inform. Yes, when I was about your age. I was in uni, slept with a couple of guys, managed to get chlamydia.'

'Naw, not too bad then. Everyone gets a bit of clap.' He smiled.

She chuckled at that point. 'Including you most likely, when I've finished running these tests.'

'Never mind doc. Least you were cured, you've got a baby on the way anyway so you clearly were fit to go at it again.'

'Mr Tactful. Look, I need to go update your files and find you a leaflet on safe sex. Before you say you already know, it's part of my job to. Nurse Miller - Robyn - will be through soon. Until then, sit tight.' She drew the curtain.

'Cheers, Doctor, you're a legend.'

Alicia began to walk off, still smiling. Some patients really made her day.

'You learn something new every day!' Ethan called after her.

'Don't be cheeky!' She replied, with a tut and a shake of the head.

As she logged back onto the system, she saw a new appointment had been booked. Filed in clinics, the antenatal one was one space above the one for sexual health. Accidentally clicking the wrong one, she saw the appointment listed in her name. _Alicia Munroe, booked in to see the private scanning team on Monday 16th October at 16:00 regarding foetal abnormalities._

She hadn't booked it. It had been booked less than twenty minutes ago. Her blood ran cold.

 **(credit to Lush for the wee ad in this piece - moisturiser is amazing by the way so def check it out!)**

 **Keep those baby names coming please!! Xx**


	13. chapter 13

'Explain.'

Ethan rooted his feet to the floor. 'Explain what?' Even to him, his voice sounded pathetic. Feigning innocence only worked so many times. Yet there she stood, in front of him, sucking her teeth. Expression unchanging, she folded her arms.

'Come on, we agreed against the abnormality scan. You yourself said so.' She sighed, and ran a hand through her hair.

'I thought I'd book it, since it was the last appointment they had available for weeks. On the off chance you'd decide you wanted it, I knew you were in doubt.'

She narrowed her eyes, sceptical. 'I thought we'd agreed.'

'No malice was intended, Alicia. I was trying to keep your options open.' He closed his locker and twisted the key before turning to face her. 'Are you coming?' He held a hand out limply.

She paused, rather obviously, before taking his hand. Reluctantly, and not without a sigh - much like a small child would.

'I don't think I want to go, it might not be conclusive and it puts her at risk. I can't do that.' She looked at him, the apology in her eyes. She knew how much the disease was life-changing and debilitating, almost a death sentence. She knew Ethan wouldn't want it for their child, and that he would (quite understandably) want to be prepared for every eventuality, should the worst case scenario be proved true. That said, she didn't want to compromise her baby's health - beyond how compromised she knew it could already be. It was a risk that didn't have to be taken.

'That's fine.' He nodded, a lump forming in his throat.

'I'm sorry.' She whispered again, anger quickly fading when she saw him nod.

'Guess we won't know paternity either then?' Ethan said, grimly.

Alicia sighed. 'Never mind. She's loved whatever happens, right?'

'Course,' He replied firmly. 'I can't wait to meet her.'

'And if she does have Huntington's, we'll cope.' Alicia said.

'Yes, we will.' Ethan said, solemnly. He was torn. It was so easy to hope the baby was his, so that they could be a real family. If she was, it would mean that she had an incurable disease. He didn't wish that on his worst enemy. A part of his brother would be nice to hold on to, but rather selfishly, he felt as if in order to get full closure of things, it had to be his. Cal died when he died and having a living, breathing reminder grow up in his care would not aid his mental state.

'How about a coffee?' Alicia stopped by the shop, eyes warm.

'If you're sure. Thanks.'

'It's the least I can do.' She nodded, a vaguely familiar expression crossing her face. Ethan knew it and recognised it. Pity. Pity, as she walked into the shop and glanced over at him while she was ordering. Almost like she was checking that he was still there. Not for her sake, for his.

-x-

'You sure about this?' She asked, as they grounded to a halt outside the cemetery.

'Yes.' Ethan replied, though he had to force the one word answer through his teeth. Frustration began to take hold - he couldn't comprehend why she had to ask stupid questions. Of course he was sure. He'd made the suggestion.

'Okay.' Alicia said, face the picture of disbelief. Then, a hand on his shoulder. 'Do you want me to come?'

'If you want to.' He replied, expressionless.

She dropped her arms to her sides. 'Let's go.'

Flowers laid wilting in the grass, trodden in and without their heads. Mud had been kicked up spectacularly, coating many of the nearby headstones. She watched cautiously from a few paces behind, seeing him shudder and then turn after sensing her presence. 'Is his grave okay?'

'Untouched.' Ethan said, quietly.

'Good.' Alicia nodded, managing a small smile. He squinted in the watery sunlight, taking her in. He loved her. Overwhelming love washed over him, but it was quickly followed by guilt. The feeling spread like lava, hot across his chest. He'd done it for months - the dizzying dance between grief and attempted normalcy. Here she was, in a graveyard. It was wrong - so wrong. By rights, she should have been cosy and tucked up in front of the TV. She was ready to make sacrifice time and time again.

'Cal defended you because he wanted to.' Alicia said.

'Yeah, he did.' Ethan just nodded, feeling the ache of repressed tears in his throat. 'I'm feeling better, Alicia. I will never be the same again, but I'm healing.'

She nodded. 'It's okay, I know. I'm not going anywhere. As much as I know you feel guilty, so do I. It's like I became pregnant and now you're being overshadowed. I wish it wasn't like this.' She took his hand, squeezing it.

'You really see things that way?' He asked.

She didn't reply, and instead kicked a pebble with her shoe.

'There's me sitting here thinking I don't do anywhere near enough for you.' He said.

Tears formed in both their eyes as they looked at each other.

'It's just funny timing, isn't it? You're never ready for anything that happens.' She told him.

'That's true. Why is that?' He sighed.

'I don't know.' Alicia fumbled in the plastic carrier bag she was holding. 'Flowers, for a man who would have hated flowers.' She smiled.

'Cheap flowers. He wouldn't even appreciate the sentiment.' Ethan gave a laugh, but took them anyway and crouched to lie them by his grave. 'I miss you, big brother. I'm moving on though. I've accepted you're not coming back. We're having a baby. Little...' Ethan glanced up from his whispering and raised his eyebrows at Alicia.

'Patricia.' Alicia rubbed her eyes.

'Little Patricia. I can only imagine your face. It was my idea, after Alicia said she liked older names. Turns out it isn't quite what she had in mind!' He gave a little laugh. 'We're still trying to think, but that's her nickname. We don't know if she's yours or mine, but we do know she is loved and lucky. I'll look after her, Cal. I promise. I will take good care of them both.' Ethan whispered. He stayed clinging to the headstone for a while, back to Alicia. After what felt like forever, he stood up and faced her.

'That was beautiful. Wherever he is, I'm sure he'll-'

'Be ridiculing me for my extravagant choice of baby name.' He laughed.

'Be very proud of you.' Alicia just smiled. He just nodded, exhaling and looking up to the sky. 'I always feel better once I've been, you know, to see him. It's a little silly, I know.'

'It's not if it gives you comfort. I'm sure he can hear, with his hearing.' She said. He chuckled, appreciative of her comment. They both fell quiet as they trudged out of the graveyard, leaves crunching under their shoes as they walked.

'Shall we go home?' Ethan asked.

'Yours or mine?' Alicia replied.

He just shook his head with a little sigh. 'Neither. Ours. Move in and let's do this as a team.' His eyes shone, welcoming and hopeful.

'I'd like that very much.' She smiled back. She stretched to kiss him, resting her hand on his cheek.

He pulled back slightly from the warmth of her lips. 'From now on, we're together.'


	14. chapter 14

'I can't believe it's snowing,' Alicia breathed, fingers pressed to the grubby window in the shopping centre like a child.

'I know. Snow, and it's not even Christmas till Thursday.' He replied.

'I hope we have a white Christmas.' She smiled, looking down at her stomach lovingly.

'Me too. That would be magical.' Ethan nodded.

'It would, it would.' They walked along hand in hand through the shopping centre. Shoppers jostled past, dashing to get the shopping done at the last minute. It was late on a Saturday evening, and they were browsing as they had nothing better to do.

'Hate to complain, but I do need to change my shoes.' She winced. Ethan looked down, as if there was something physically wrong with them.

'What is it?' He asked, stopping where he was in the middle of the walkway. Angry shoppers pushed him as they moved past.

'My ankles feel like balloons.' She told him.

'Swollen?' He asked.

'Yeah.' She nodded.

'That's not normally till the last couple of weeks of pregnancy.' He told her.

'I googled it last night and it said it was fine. I've been having fat ankles since at least September. They were really bad at that gathering in the Hope and Anchor.' She said, feeling the need to reassure him with a hand placed on his shoulder.

'Classic you, believing Doctor Google over the real doctor. Hm, that's what the books say, but I worked in obs and gynae for a while.' He furrowed his brow.

'Don't worry, little miss is quite snug in there I think.' She said.

'Shall we go? We've shopped loads anyway.' He said.

'Yeah, okay.'

'How many more of those classes do we _have_ to go to before she's born then?'

'Ethan, I'm only 33 weeks. There'll be at least six more yet. Besides, you've only ever gone to one!' She exclaimed.

He winced, then let out a laugh when he saw her expression of outrage.

'The other dads have gone every time. There's this other woman who's only 20, and her partner goes every single class. No excuses.' She replied.

'I'm a doctor. You're a doctor! What possibly could someone whose only degree is in healthcare or childcare actually tell us?' He asked.

'That's such a snooty thing to say! Just because we've done five years in uni doesn't make us a cut above. The ladies that do it seem really knowledgeable. I mean, I learnt new things...' She said.

'Sorry, that's true. Is all that bouncing on rubber balls really necessary though?' He asked, conscious of sounding judgemental and opting for a subject change.

'I knew there was something else!' Alicia laughed. 'You don't even look silly. Everyone's in the same boat.' She held the door back and Ethan took it from her.

'I swear they make us do it for no reason.' He grumbled.

'Stop it! It's moral support for me.' She laughed.

'My glasses nearly smashed I bounced that hard.'

'Wear your contacts then.' She shrugged, as if she'd found the solution.

He just sighed, and they climbed back into the car. The snowflakes that had fallen on their clothing began to melt in the heat.

'I'm so excited to meet her, Ethan. It's been such a textbook pregnancy. No cravings, well, except garlic dip. No major weight gain. All we need is a name.' She said.

'I like Violet.' Ethan said.

'Yeah, it's cute. Adelaide is still nice though.'

'Hmm,' Ethan said, clearly not taken. He continued to drive steadily. 'How about Isabel?'

'That's gorgeous.' Alicia said, putting a hand to her chest.

'How would we spell it? With an A, or an O, or maybe with an E at the end...'

'Maybe an A, just the normal way. I love that. She could be Izzy as well.'

'Yeah.' Ethan said.

'Good! Isabel it is.' Alicia smiled.

'That's if she looks like one when she's born.' Ethan said.

She looked at him, puzzled. 'What do you mean?'

'Well, all babies look different, don't they? Maybe she'll be born and look like something else.' He explained.

She frowned in response, not understanding. 'They look like what you call them. All babies look like potatoes for the first few days anyway.'

'Potato! She will not look like a potato, darling.' Ethan shook his head once, smirking a little at her description.

'She will! All red and wrinkly and squishy.' She said.

'Interesting choice of wording, there.' He replied.

'I wonder if it'll snow enough to make a snowman...' She said.

'Maybe. Or snow angels.' Ethan said.

'I never understood those. You get so cold. I did it once in a field with a friend, I must have been about eleven. Literally froze all the way home.' She told him.

'What? No way! Though, knowing you as I do, you probably convinced your mother you didn't need a hat or any extra layers of clothing.' Ethan said.

'I had a coat, but I don't really think she cared.' Alicia admitted, a little sadly. 'She was too busy arguing with me dad. I remember, that was the first Christmas and Winter that they argued.'

'Oh, I'm sorry.' He sighed, biting his lip.

'Don't, I'm fine. Maybe lying in the snow isn't my best idea, considering how pregnant I am.' She replied.

'No, that's true. We could stick to making a snowman.'

'Yeah, I'd like to. That's if it doesn't go disgusting.' She said.

'It won't,' Ethan replied, always optimistic. 'We're nearly home anyway.'

'It might.' She said, grimly looking out the window as she watched Ethan's tyres churn the thin layer of perfect white ice into brown slush.

'Whenever it snowed, me and Cal made a snowman.' Ethan started.

'Aw...' Alicia whispered, becoming aware he was talking in past tense for the first time. She imagined, for a fleeting second, it could mean progress.

'Yeah. He'd do it every year. Drag me out of bed, when I wouldn't really want to go out. We'd wrap ourselves in layers of clothing, or failing that, blankets. Then we'd chase after each other, pelting the other with snowballs. Cal was relentless; I always came out the most soggy. He'd whoop whenever he hit the target, me, by the way. I didn't see he funny side, not with ice down my back.' He shivered at the thought, but managed a nostalgic smile.

'Sounds like you had so much fun. I wish I had a brother to do things like that with when I was a kid.' She commented.

'The last time we did it was two Winters ago.' Ethan admitted.

'No way?! As an adult, then.' She smiled.

'We'd laugh and laugh and laugh. Our mum used to take pictures of us with the old camera and print them out every year. I've got the scrapbook somewhere in the spare room, I'll have to show you later. Yeah... I'd make a snowman, he'd kick it down. I'd cry, he'd sock me in the face with a snowball. He never did know when it was time to stop.' Ethan said, quietly.

'Brothers, hey?' Alicia managed to sigh, not really knowing how to manage the situation. 'You two wer-are really cute.' She nodded.

'You can say were, it's okay.' He gave a sad smile. 'I've accepted it, haven't I? Time for a snowball fight for me and you though.'

Alicia felt a lump of emotion lodge in her throat. Pain, yet pride too. She loved him even more for being so strong, when it would have been too easy to have a wobble.

'Yeah.' She managed to reply. 'Yeah, of course.'

Ethan nodded, faintly wondering if her voice had faltered because he'd spoken of his brother. He felt the familiar guilt again, and reminded himself not to bring it up. She was too pregnant, and it had been too long. He pulled into the driveway, and looked across at her.

'We best get wrapped up warm then.' His eyes sparkled. It was bittersweet, since the last person he'd enjoyed the season with had been his brother. As much as it was sad, he also felt strangely excited. It was the start of new things, and the start of new memories.


	15. chapter 15

Feeling stuffed, Alicia kicked back her feet and gave a contented sigh.

'Ethan, you've got-' She clapped a hand over her mouth, letting out the laugh that he loved hearing, even though it was at him. 'Come here, my god, what you like?' She attacked the side of his mouth clumsily with a napkin.

'What was it?' He asked, cheeks slightly reddening - embarrassment or wine-induced, or perhaps both.

'White sauce? I don't know.' She laughed.

'I apologise for that.' He laughed back, with a little shrug. 'Two Christmas dinners has been lovely. It was nice to see your parents yesterday on actual Christmas Day. Nice to have a private one too.'

'Yeah,' Alicia smiled, lost in thought. 'Mam likes you. She always has though, hasn't she? Even back when she contracted gonorrhoea.'

'I'm glad I was the pillar of support for her through that difficult period.' He joked. 'It was nice of your father to come too. I know there's still a bit of tension, but, they clearly come together for you. That's pretty special.'

'Hm.' Alicia drained the remainders of the wine in the glass, not replying with anything else. Of course, Ethan had diluted it so it wasn't so strong, but he hadn't mentioned it to her. She was avoiding the topic of her parents, it was still quite fresh and he imagined it still hurt. 'Mam did my head in. "Ooh, look how big you are, Alicia!" like yeah, thanks.

Really does my confidence wonders.' She rolled her eyes.

'Ah, she meant well.' Ethan said, starting to stroke her hair. 'Besides, you're beautiful.'

'I am not. I feel bloody ginormous. Like someone has shoved an inflatable beach ball up my top. No, sod that. Like I am the inflatable beachball.' She argued, prodding her stomach. 'She's really wriggling today. Be still, baby. Be still.' Alicia whispered to her stomach.

'She knows it's Christmas.' He grinned.

'She does. She is so active!'

Ethan nodded, eyes glazing over. It was lovely to be with his girlfriend at Christmas, but things didn't feel the same. It was so easy to feel like the relationship with Alicia was the reason why there was a Cal shaped void in his life. If he hadn't be in the pub.

 _If he hadn't been in the pub._

He pictured the scene. Alicia would still be fine, and so would his brother. Fleetingly, he didn't even care that he would be celebrating Christmas alone, or even as the third wheel. Cal would be fathering the child, his or not, and he and Alicia would have awkwardly brushed aside the nights of passion and sat amicably around the turkey, commenting on anything and everything.

Ethan wished he'd sat on his feelings a little more. His new year's resolution - putting himself first - backfired in the most awful way. It was selfish of him, and so selfless of Cal.

He wanted the girl, so he got her and lost him. He wished he could swap Alicia and her ridiculously huge bump to have his brother back. If given the chance, he'd do so in a heartbeat. The guilt bubbled again.

God, he was wicked.

That was the girl both brothers had loved, and the baby one of them had fathered.

'It's not the same, is it?'

Ethan looked at her, though she looked blurry. She hit the nail on the head once again.

'No, it's not.' He wiped his eyes with a thumb. 'It never will be.' Her face fell with his words, matching his troubled expression with hers. 'It's different, but it will be okay.'

'I hope so.' She said quietly. 'I've had a lovely Christmas. And I'm sure he's with us, you know.'

'He will be. Cal was everywhere.' Ethan chuckled.

'I like to think he knows about Isabel. Obviously no one knows what's out there, but I like to think there is an after.' She said.

'Oh, I'm sure he does. If nothing else, it's comforting to think that way.' Ethan replied.

'It is.' Alicia agreed.

'Whether she's his or mine, you know...' Ethan said.

'I know what? Was there any point in adding that in?' She asked.

'I'm just saying she'll still be loved.' Ethan said, evenly.

'She will. I don't mind testing once she's born.' Alicia nodded.

'You mean that?'

'Yeah, if it makes you more comfortable.' She replied.

'I think it might.' He said.

'Well, we can do. I don't know why you're so dead set on it though, I must say. How does it matter? You're her dad anyway.'

Ethan muttered something in response. 'What?' She cleared her throat, starting to show her frustration.

'Not her actual dad.'

Alicia bolted up, frowning. 'Ethan! This is a joke! We've been through this so many times now. You either get over it or you leave. She will pick up on all this angst - even if she doesn't, I certainly will. Please don't.' She leaned back down against him with a sigh.

'Imagine how you'd feel.' He replied.

She gave a lengthy sigh. 'I can't, can I? I haven't lost my brother, as you keep telling me. Look. It's Boxing Day, please just don't ruin Christmas.'

'I ruin everything. You'd be better without me in your life.' He said.

'Stop this! Stop having a downer on yourself.'

He shifted her off him and left the room. She watched as he walked in despair.

'Ethan. Please, it's Christmas. I said we'd test her. There's nothing more I can do! It's not possible to turn back time.'

'I know! If only it were though.' He called from the kitchen.

Tears stung her eyes, not understanding why he was unhesitating in being so cruel.

'Don't, Alicia. What have you possibly got to cry about?' His voice rose.

'I am allowed to be upset, okay? I have everything to be sad about! My boyfriend is emotionally closed!' She was shouting back, somehow finding the volume from inside.

Surprise flashed across his face for a second, then he continued.

'You don't even know the meaning of the word upset. Nice family, parents who love you, affluent background. Boyfriend who gives you a baby, you sleep with his brother and then break up with him. He dies but you don't really care, not really, cause you have his shitty substandard brother who fits the mould - quite literally - as a replacement!' He glared.

She tilted her chin upwards, facing the ceiling so he wouldn't see her eyes water.

'It is not my fault that I haven't been through what you have! I thought we put all this behind us and buried the hatchet!' She ran a hand through her hair, stressed as much as upset.

'Buried the hatchet? I think there are a lot of hatchets Alicia. A lot indeed, in fact, this baby is one big hatchet. Except she's a person now, like we needed to add anyone else to this painful excuse of a-'

He trailed off when she wasn't replying.

'Alicia?' His tone lowered with uncertainty.

'Something isn't right.' She replied.

'What do you mean, something isn't right?' Ethan felt the panic begin to rise. 'About the baby?'

She didn't answer, pulling out her phone. 'Ambulance please. I think I'm having my baby. I'm-I'm 34 weeks.' She added. Her calmness surprised Ethan, while meanwhile, he was a state.

'Put the phone down! I'll drive you, goodness.' He gabbled, almost running to pick up her bag from the bedroom.

'You're not coming _anywhere_ near me.' She replied, still fairly calmly. The shock had visibly numbed her from the anger and stopped the tears.

His shoulders dropped and the bag fell to the floor. 'Please don't be silly. I'm a doctor. It's late on Boxing Day - I am the best hope you have! All the ambulances will be out. We're not even far from the hospital.' He whispered, urging.

She could half hear him through trying to concentrate on the call handler's instructions. He was logical, but she didn't care. Whatever rash decision she had to make, she would, so long as it didn't involve being anywhere near Ethan.

'Let me help you up.' He offered, once she'd put the phone down.

He winced upon hearing expletives fall out her mouth in a torrent, then watched as she attempted to pull herself out of the armchair independently. 'Alicia, let me help.' The firmness in his voice did little to convince her to respond. 'Stop ignoring me! Look, I know we argued, but you can't-'

'I can't what, exactly? I think I'm entitled to do whatever I see fit. This should not be happening.' She snapped.

'Don't stress yourself out further, I think it's important to-'

'I don't care what you think. You thought that starting a blazing row at Christmas would be the right thing to do, and now I've gone into labour.' She answered, throwing down her cardigan then slumping against the wall, face in her hands. It was as if, predictably, she was having a delayed reaction. 'And I'm _so_ scared.' She sobbed.

Ethan had no words of consolation. Every time he tried to speak, he found that no words would come out.

'I-' He begun, then fell quiet. His mouth felt uncomfortably dry.

Oh god. Couldn't lose the baby too. Down to him. Had to step in.

'Sit down, right here.' He patted the sofa, then grimaced involuntarily as he felt the damp material between his fingers. Quickly sliding a cushion down, he gestured to it.

To his surprise, she obliged.

'I want a drink, need some water.' She croaked.

'Water? Yes, hold on.' Ethan leapt up, taking three strides to the kitchen before dithering. 'Actually, I think we should wait. If you need a C-section it's best to have been nil by mouth.'

He shuddered slightly as he heard her let out a low moan. 'Ethan, I don't care, I need... need water.' She gasped.

He blinked his eyes shut, contemplating committing an act against the advise he'd always given.

'Here.' He whispered, passing the glass to her. 'Gently, gently.' He added, although she wrenched it out his grasp, sloshing some out the sides in doing so. Once she'd gulped the lot down, he turned to her again.

'Are you talking to me yet? Surely we should just go to hospital, I could drive and it-'

'I'm waiting for the paramedics.' She replied coldly.

He gave a sigh. 'Please just- Alicia? No no no no no.' Frantically, he slid his fingers under her wrist. 'Shit. This can't happen. This can't happen.' He froze, consumed by a panic that blinded him. All sense left his body.

'Why don't I know why this is happening?' He spoke aloud to himself, before glancing back down at Alicia. 'Silly girl. Such a silly girl. We could've gone to hospital, we could've-' He chewed his lip as he checked his watch. The paramedics would help, and they'd be along any minute. 'I just wish...'

He paused when he saw her eyelids flutter and open.

'Everything is blurry.' She commented.

Ethan gave a half laugh, half gasp of relief.

'I think you fainted. You need to go to hospital as soon as.' He told her.

'That's not helping!' She became more and more agitated.

'No no, of course. Alicia? Alicia. Please, sweetheart, calm down for me. Nice deep breaths, like in the cave. Remember in the cave? Yes?' He asked, but she screwed her eyes shut and her facial expression contorted.

'I-am-not-your-sweetheart!' She managed, through gritted teeth.

'Okay.' He breathed, holding her hand as she squeezed hard. 'You don't have to be, let's just stay with me, keep those eyes open.' He urged, conscious she'd shut them again.

'You're a bloody doctor. Acting like you've never stepped foot inside a hospital.' She accused, hissing with the pain.

'Now, you don't mean that. I'm doing my best.' He told her, brushing her hair off her forehead. 'I can't wait, just think about our little family.'

She just laughed harshly, in a way that made him realise she perhaps wasn't spewing meaningless drivel about not wanting him anywhere near her.

'Just keep breathing, that's it, in and out.' He told her.

'Where are the paramedics?' She muttered, taking heed of his advice yet not directly replying to him.

'Million dollar question.' Ethan sighed. 'Before you react to what I say next, please think about the baby. Can I have a look to see if-'

'No.' Alicia replied, through a wince.

'Alicia...' His voice was low, warning. Deep inside, he knew it was wrong to ever threaten a pregnant woman. He didn't normally see patients as obstinate as Alicia, and since it was only her, he had no qualms about scaring her into doing something that was for the best. With this thought, he continued. 'Suppose you're 9cm dilated? Suppose the baby is breach? I need to take a look, and if you don't let me out of self preservation, you might well be sorry. Please do not put yourself in that situation.' He told her.

Tears shone in her eyes as she looked at him, almost accusatory. She knew what was standard procedure and what was not. All the same, she gave a nod.

'Yes?' Ethan asked.

'Whatever, go right ahead.' She sighed, ripping her tights carelessly.

He winced, and emerged after thirty seconds. 'Okay, you're fully dilated, baby's coming. That took no time at all.' He wiped his forehead quickly with the back of his hand.

'I can't be!' Alicia's voice rose an octave, panicky.

'You are. I'm surprised you weren't in worse pain.' He commented, matter-of-factly.

'High pain tolerance.' She muttered.

'Yes, very, so it would seem.' Ethan nodded.

'Do something then?' She asked.

'Of course.' He responded, kneeling down by the sofa. 'On my count, I need you to push. 1, 2, 3!'

'What are you, a midwife now?' Alicia asked.

'Listen! This is important. 1, 2, 3!' He said.

Alicia's face was comparable to that of a tomato, and the beads of perspiration made Ethan wince even more, glad he wasn't a woman.

'That was brilliant, just like that. Now wait...' He said, quickly checking again.

'Okay, push again. 1, 2, 3...' He told her. She breathed heavily, visibly exhausted.

'Last push, Alicia. Deep breath and whenever you're ready. You're doing amazing.' He told her, managing to fulfil the roles of birthing partner, midwife and supervising doctor.

She obliged, and three sets of lungs simultaneously burst, filling the living room with gasps, cries and screams.

In the doorway, Iain and Jez both hung back, looking on.

Ethan deftly wiped the baby's violet-tinged skin with a towel, before wrapping her up in a clumsy swaddle and passing her to Alicia. The baby wriggled against Alicia's chest, while Ethan sighed. It was so bitterly, heartbreakingly perfect. He absorbed the feeling for a second or two before springing into action.

'Her breathing doesn't sound right.' Alicia whispered.

'She cried, that's good.' Ethan reassured, as he pulled back the corner of the towel to look at the baby's complexion.

'No, it's definitely squeaky. She's premature, she needs-' Alicia mumbled, dazed.

'Right, hold on a second, this is not...' Ethan plucked the bundle out of her arms, frantically tapping the chest after noticing the papery skin turn an even more alarming shade.

Iain and Jez still watched on. 'We need to intervene now.' Iain whispered.

'Yeah.' Jez replied, to which Alicia looked up at.

'Ethan...' Alicia whispered, voice sounding feeble and defeated. He looked up at her, then followed her eyes to where the paramedics were standing.

'We need to go, now. Hurry, Jez.' Iain took the baby off Ethan before making his way down the steps of the flat.

'Right, excuse me.' Jez said to Ethan. 'I'm sure you've done a good job, I don't knock that, I just need to check...'

All he could do was nod and stand aside, helplessly picking up her bag. 'Okay, we can deliver the placenta and sort that in hospital if we're quick. Well done, Ethan. She seems very well, all things considered. Alicia, do you have any of those pads?' Jez asked her.

Still confused, Alicia just squinted at him. 'Where's my baby?'

'Right. Yes. she does.' Ethan nodded. 'They're in your bag, aren't they darling? This bag here.'

'Not your darling.' She just mumbled.

They exchanged glances, and Jez gave him a sympathetic look. Ethan was only glad that Jez didn't know the full story, and that they could brush her coldness off as hormone-induced. For now.

 **Hope I did this okay! Took ages to write. Please review! :)**


	16. chapter 16

**Thank you for your lovely comments guys, means so much. Updates will still be happening when I find time in the week, but I'm really busy from now onwards :-)**

Scared though she was, Alicia was adamant her choice was the right one. She rose up steadily, slowly from the chair.

'You are so tiny,' She whispered, careful not to breathe on the glass too much. 'My darling.' Her voice was faint and delicate, but a small gasp escaped when her finger was tightly squeezed. 'They say you're never quite ready for a baby, no matter how prepared you are.' Her eyes glistened with tears, but she shakily took a breath and carried on. 'You worried me so much. Too eager, you are. Like your daddy. He's... he's in the clouds now. When you grow big and strong, we'll go see where he's sleeping. I promise. Until then, you keep strong for mummy.' Her voice wobbled, catching in her throat. She didn't know how she was going to do it alone.

When the door creaked open, Alicia didn't even flinch. She was too busy staring down at the baby that was lying in the incubator. Wires wove in and out of her tiny body. She was so perfect, from her tiny toes right up to her little elbows, which attached her tiny arms so that her starfish hands were pressed up to her cheeks, palms upwards. She marvelled at her; she was perfect. She was hers. She loved her.

'Wow. Quite the little miracle.' Ethan said, causing Alicia to shift to shield the incubator, blocking her out of his view.

'I asked you not to come in here.' Alicia said.

'But why?' He asked.

'You really don't know?' Her voice was low, and she poked a finger through the hole, stroking her daughter's hand.

'I know, but I don't understand. I'm sorry for rowing. I'm her dad.' Ethan said.

The baby squeezed her finger tightly. Alicia cleared her throat gently. 'She looks like Cal.'

He watched as both relief and regret flashed through her eyes, and felt himself start to pity her. She felt so responsible for it all, yet they'd all weaved the web together. It didn't seem fair.

'Uh, yes. I saw... when she was born.' Ethan nodded in agreement, voice cracking slightly. 'He'd love her.'

'Yeah, he would.' She agreed.

-x-

Ethan was right. Alicia knew he would have adored the baby. It didn't take a genius to work it out, and she felt less inclined to put her through a test. She was a dolly, a dot, a mere speck of a person. She was fragile, and Alicia had felt a rather endearing surge of protectiveness towards her daughter. She would look after her, and she would make sure she was never in harm's way. Not now, not ever.

Though beautiful, Isabel was worryingly little. Was it pure chance, or was it the argument that induced labour? It was hard to tell. Still, guilt throbbed in her chest. Like many mothers, Alicia missed the bump photos and the due date countdown - but unlike those other mothers, she missed it because she didn't experience it, not because she took it for granted at the time. This baby that she'd made couldn't even breathe properly by herself, and now Alicia couldn't do it for her.

One side of her pleaded with her to speak to Ethan, she saw how his face fell. Hurting him was the last thing she'd wanted to do. She was torn between feeling sorry for him and feeling furious at him. While she cleared her head, she knew it was best not to see him. No Ethan, no drama, and she could go about pretending the topsy turvy excuse of a life was normal - just for a little while. No grief to think about, no tiptoeing around anyone but her own daughter. Exhaustion raged through her. She knew she was no use to anyone while she was so drained. With this thought, she left the room and went back to the ward.

-x-

Once she'd left the room, Ethan sighed. He didn't wish to sneak around, but he wanted to see the baby. She had told him not to, but for the first time, he didn't respect her wishes.

'Hello, baby.' He whispered, posting his finger into the plastic box like he'd seen Alicia do earlier.

'You're mummy's double, aren't you?' He whispered. 'You are just like mummy.'

The baby's chest quivered, hovering up and down, eyes flickering open as if she could hear his voice. She squeezed his finger tightly, and it was that easy. All the grief and hurt melted.

'Long eyelashes, crazily long fingers.' He whispered. 'Chubby cheeks, even though the rest of you is tiny.' The beeping of machines made him feel even more alone.

Every moment of sadness felt worth it. He loved her irrevocably. More than Cal, and more than Alicia.

Alicia. She'd never even thanked him for delivering the baby as safely as he could. Not even so much as an acknowledgement, in fact, she actively ignored him. It didn't feel fair. They should have been celebrating together, and not so soon.His heart felt heavy with the weight of loss, yet gain too.

'Things are in a bit of a pickle. Goodness me, they shouldn't be, should they? I'll shelter you from this, even though your mummy is determined to keep me out. I promise you, Izzy. Daddy will keep you safe. I'll come back soon.' He tugged his finger away and walked out the room, not turning round. It would have been so easy to stay there and talk all night. Maybe she'd understand, deep down, even if she couldn't talk back.

Ethan slid the earphones into his ears and turned the volume up. He could have stayed, with one or both of them.

He peeked through the window though and saw Alicia sleeping soundly. She was being looked after, and his company would not be well-received. The baby didn't need company. Maybe she hated him just as much as her mum. He was a stranger to her, just some weird man who happened to be the brother of her dad. He'd been absent half the pregnancy and grieving for the other half. He had outbursts. He had caused her to be born early. He had put her at risk. He would never replace Cal.

As he made his way out the hospital doors, he remembered the mess that would greet him at the flat.

He put his hood up and contemplated leaving it till the morning. Things would be different in the morning. Things always were.

-x-

 _You're just a small bump unborn, in four months you're brought to life,_

 _You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your mother's eyes,_

 _I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can,_

 _But for now you're a scan of my unmade plans,_

 _A small bump in four months you're brought to life._

 _I'll whisper quietly, I'll give you nothing but truth,_

 _If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you_

 _You are my one and only._

 _You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight._

 _Oh, you are my one and only._

 _You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight._

 _And you will be alright._

 _Oh, you're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin._

 _With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin._

 _Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,_

 _And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide_

 _A small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes._

 _And I'll hold you tightly, I'll tell you nothing but truth,_

 _If you're not inside me, I'll put my future in you_

 _You are my one and only._

 _You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight._

 _Oh, you are my one and only._

 _You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight._

 _And you'll be alright._

 _And you can lie with me,_

 _With your tiny feet_

 _When you're half asleep,_

 _I'll leave you be._

 _Right in front of me_

 _For a couple weeks_

 _So I can keep you safe._

 _'Cause you are my one and only._

 _You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight._

 _You are my one and only._

 _You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight._

 _And you will be alright._

 _(Ed Sheeran - Small Bump)_


	17. (Message to followers)

Message to my lovely followers:

So I'm going to be a bit busier over the coming months and will still be updating, but will have less time to do so.

I'll be taking this message off in a couple of days so it doesn't affect chapter order etc. I have a question for you all, as your opinions matter to me!

At the moment, I'm writing

Home

Deserving

Letters to Lily

Wishing on Stars

Which of the above do you like the most? I'll then spend the time I do have on your favourite/s.

To reiterate, I will still be updating them all, but much more slowly. Just wanting to know the one or two stories you enjoy reading so I can prioritise them mainly.

If you have a couple of seconds, pop me the name of it in a review. It'd really help. Thanks guys!


	18. chapter 18

Alicia bolted upright. Where was she? A hand flew down. No bump. Her stomach lurched. The baby. Oh _god_.

Then she remembered.

The sunlight filtered through the blinds that were still drawn. Many women on the ward were awake. She swallowed, hard, as she caught sight of the wilting flowers that had appeared on her bedside table. The plastic wrapper squeaked as she pinched it to turn it and read the tag. The scrawly handwriting on the tag was unmistakably Ethan's. One word, and an ' _x_ '

She wasn't taken aback by the gesture. They were cheap flowers, and 'sorry' didn't quite cut it. All the apologies that had slipped out his mouth had been accepted by her time and time again, but not this one.

'Hi love.' A familiar voice made her look up. Even better, Alicia thought.

'Mam, dad, what are you doing here?' She asked, not disguising her surprise.

'Nice to see you too, Scooby.' Her father gave a sigh.

'Howard!' Her mother hissed. 'Now is not the time.'

'I am here you know.' Alicia added, frowning from the bed. She felt like a child again, and it was a feeling she hadn't missed.

'How are you?' Jackie asked, positioning herself on the end of the bed. Alicia shuffled uncomfortably, wishing she'd asked first.

'Well, yeah.' Alicia ran a hand through her hair, visibly exhausted.

'Where's the baby?' Howard asked, before Jackie turned to give him what Alicia only could assume was a withering look.

'She's in neonates, dad. I'm going to pop to see her in ten. She's allowed three visitors, so you can both come.'

'And where's that Ethan?' He asked.

Jackie cleared her throat. 'Howard!'

'It's fine mam. Honestly. He's-'

She stopped. What was she supposed to say? It wasn't exactly normal that they father of her baby had left them both high and dry. 'He's just having a break.'

'Right.' They both nodded, but the expression on their face spoke volumes. They thought it was weird. It _was_ weird.

-x-

'Isn't she beautiful?' Jackie whispered, clapping a hand to her mouth in delight.

'Oh, I'm so proud of you Alicia.' Howard smiled, close to tears. 'She looks just like you.'

'I think she looks like... Ethan.' She whispered.

'No, she's definitely your double.' Her mum looked lovingly from the incubator to Alicia.

'Me and Ethan don't look too dissimilar as it is. Time will tell, I guess.' She gently posted a hand through the plastic to reposition the blanket - a corner of Alicia's old nightie. The midwives had told her the scent of her mother would strengthen her immune system and help her to be stronger, but Alicia had her reservations. Still, it was there. She was willing to give her daughter the best possible chance in life.

'She's so tiny, my goodness. 34 weeker. Mind, you were born at 38 weeks. I didn't even know I was expecting till I was-'

'29 weeks.' All three finished off her sentence, before Alicia rolled her eyes.

'You tell us every time, mam. We know this story.'

'I don't!' She said, indignant.

'You do, to be fair.' Howard commented.

'I'm just saying, she's really small. Have you got a name then?' Jackie asked.

Alicia's eyes lit up. 'Yeah, we do. Isabel. Izzy.'

'Suits her, she looks like an Izzy.' Howard nodded, wrapping an arm round Alicia's shoulder. 'And it's his loss, that bloke of yours.'

'He's not left her, Howard! Christ!'

'I know that! Why do you have to jump down my throat every time I have something to say?'

'Because it's usually insensitive and-'

'Stop it, just for ten minutes, the pair of you!' Alicia hissed. 'There are poorly babies in here. If you're going to bicker constantly, at least do it outside.' Her eyes filled with tears.

Her parents exchanged glances, then simultaneously apologised. Too many apologies, Alicia thought. Too many wrongdoings, more like.

-x-

'Sorry, I bet you've been inundated with visitors.' Louise apologised before she was even through the door.

'Please don't apologise.' Alicia sighed, then sighed and put a hand over her face. 'Now I'm sorry. Have you brought Robyn?' She asked, peering round her.

'No, she had to wait with the baby. I said I'd swap with her in ten minutes though. Beginning to regret that offer. Charlotte screamed non-stop in the car, the whining brat. Must be teething. Hey, you've all this to come.' She nudged her, passing her a hot drink. Alicia just smiled, if a little sadly. Louise was never great at being sensitive.

'I'm glad you came.' She told her.

'I'm your friend, course I came. Where's Ethan?' She asked.

'There's a question.' Alicia looked down.

'He didn't miss the birth?' Robyn asked.

'No.' Alicia sighed. 'He didn't miss the birth. He delivered her.'

'He comes in handy.' Louise nodded with a chuckle.

'He also made me go into labour though, so, not really.' Alicia sipped the filter coffee carefully.

'And now he's run away like a coward?'

'No, I told him not to come near.' Alicia replied.

'Good on you, girl. I would have done the same.'

'Yeah.' Alicia gave a forced half-smile.

'Can I see her then?' Louise asked.

'They're changing the tubing at the moment, I've got a photo though.'

Louise practically squealed when she showed her the phone.

'Oh my god, she is gorgeous.' She said. 'She looks like Cal!'

'All babies look like potatoes when they're first born, I think.' Alicia laughed uneasily.

'Alicia...' Louise begun, eyes widening.

Alicia met her eyes, then gave a sigh. She knew her too well. 'I don't know for sure she isn't his.'

 _In fact, I'm almost certain she's Cal's. If only you knew, Louise._

'Does Ethan know that?' Her eyes were on stalks.

'Yes, he does.' Alicia shook her head, bringing herself out of her trance. 'Please please please don't tell anyone.'

It was a pointless thing to say. The whole department would be aware within 24 hours.

'Oh my god.' Louise said. 'Poor you. Poor little thing. Poor Ethan!'

'Don't Louise.' Alicia said, guilt visible on her face.

'Are you going to get her tested?' She asked.

'I don't know. Maybe when she's out of the unit. If Ethan doesn't stick around then no. I don't need to know. Neither does anyone else.'

'Baby deserves to know though.' Louise said, face plastered with sympathy.

'I know.' Alicia agreed, forlorn. 'I'll tell her it's Cal. Sounds better if your dad's died than if he's not in your life because he didn't want you.'

'You mustn't think like that, I know Ethan loves this baby. Yes he's been a prat, but you can't deny him the chance.'

'He had his chance, he blew it.' Alicia replied firmly.

'Who are the flowers from? Are they from him?' Louise noticed.

'Look, Louise. I know you mean well, but comments like that don't help.' Alicia snapped. 'Yes, they're from him.'

She wasn't put off. 'He's making an effort. Just think about it. Anyway, congratulations, you. Try not to worry, things will fall into place. I'll send Robyn through.'

Alicia just watched her leave, knowing she was right. It was hard to know what to do for the best. If it had just been her, she'd know what to do in an instant. Isabel now existed too, and she could only allow her head to rule her heart so many times.


	19. chapter 19

**Overwhelmed by your messages guys, didn't think so many people were even reading. Means lots to me to know your opinions - they're always very valued. Sorry for the suuuuper slow updates but I am exceptionally busy, even more so than I imagined! When I do get the time to write, I try to. Again, thank you!**

'If you can just sign here for me, love.' The midwife smiled at Alicia warmly.

'Yeah, course.' Alicia scribbled something that didn't look remotely like her signature. It would do. That was her mentality for a lot of things in recent weeks.

'We'll be sad to see you go!' The woman said kindly. 'This little one is a fighter. Being discharged after two weeks is great.'

'She still seems so small...' Alicia said anxiously.

'No, I can promise you, she's tougher than she looks. Ah, let's have a look...' The midwife bent over to the car seat and pulled back a corner of the blanket resting over the baby. 'She's just like her mummy. Good luck! It's a wonderful journey, motherhood.'

'Thanks again for everything.' Alicia gave a weary smile.

'You're more than welcome. Look after yourself too.' The woman advised.

Alicia nodded. 'See you later.'

'Bye, love.'

The cool air blasted Alicia as she stepped into the car park. A sensation washed over her, and she realised she had never felt more alone. It was all so wrong. There was a missing bit in the form of Ethan.

Her train of thought was soon broken by cries.

'I know, we're going home.' She whispered, beginning to feel scared. She was all alone and this was her baby and she couldn't get it wrong. After she'd had high blood pressure for two weeks and the baby had been in an incubator, she found it was incredibly easy to doubt her capability as a mother.

While she walked, she wondered about the flat. It would be quiet - Ethan had left Holby as part of his "break". No one home meant no heating on, and cold meant uninviting. The baby's room was ready, but things weren't meant to be like that. She was meant to be tucked up inside her mummy for another three weeks still. It didn't feel like the week after a very Happy New Year, but it definitely felt like a new beginning.

Fairy lights that had been strung from lamppost to lamppost had been removed, yet trees were still bare and the air still cold. It didn't look cosy, it looked empty. She shivered slightly and made sure the blanket was still tucked firmly over her daughter. It was. She let out a sigh of defeat, beginning to feel her arm ache with the bulky seat. This was the start of things to come, she was sure. The thought of coping alone made the weight on her arm burn even more.

-x-

'We're home, baby.' Alicia sighed softly, unstrapping the infant and cradling her. Her eyes travelled round the flat. It wasn't particularly tidy, but it was clean.

The silence was filled in seconds with screaming, volume intensified by the four walls they stood between.

The baby wriggled in her arms, her face red. Alicia froze, staring down at her. Logic told her she was tired or hungry, but she couldn't help but wonder if she just hated the world she'd been brought into. She didn't blame her. She was barely two weeks old and angry, angry at everything, angry at Alicia, or so it felt.

'I can't do this.' Alicia whispered numbly.

The baby seemed to detect her uncertainty and screamed louder.

 _You've got to do this, are you stupid? It's not hard!_

'Just stop, stop, stop.' Alicia jiggled her a little too much, causing her to scream more.

'It's fine, it's fine. You're hungry, aren't you darling? It's okay, I'll sort you out.' She said, as calmly as she could manage to.

 _Screw you, Ethan. I need you._

She awkwardly held the baby against her shoulder, feeling it to be the most unnatural thing. The baby continued to scream.

 _I want the midwives._

She gently laid the baby on the armchair whilst she tried to fix the bottle in the kitchen. After several failed attempts, she finally did so. Heat prickled her skin, and she collapsed against the sofa with a sigh. Reaching over the scoop the baby up, she laid her across her knee and eased the teat of the bottle into her mouth.

'That's it, then.' Alicia whispered, ears ringing after the screaming suddenly stopped.

She didn't even notice the door creaking open.

She turned around and saw him standing there helplessly.

'I thought you'd gone-' She begun.

'I had. Now I'm back.' His voice wobbled. 'I'd like to put the past behind us... please.'

Alicia chewed a lip, still annoyed. Her eyes met his and she gave in. She was teetering dangerously on the edge of calling him anyway.

'How long have you been home?' He asked delicately, trying to make conversation as he hung his coat up.

She cleared her throat quietly, eyes travelling to the bags in the doorway. He followed and gave a short nod. 'Ah, right. Good timing, then, I guess?'

She laughed, for it was ironic. It was bitterly wrong to describe anything in their lives as good timing. 'Yeah.'

'Can I make you a hot drink? Or perhaps something cool?'

' _I'm_ fine.' Alicia said, almost making a point. He lowered his eyes to the floor, feeling guilty enough already.

'I'll take your bags through then.'

She watched as he did so, without another word.

-x-

'Alicia...' Ethan's voice pulled her out of her sleep rudely. 'You mustn't fall asleep, not with baby-'

'Thanks, parent of the year. I think I've got this one covered.'

'There is no need to-to be like that, okay? I was trying to help.' His expression hardened.

'Well, your help's not wanted here.' She answered bluntly, though her eyes stayed fixed on the carpet.

'That's not true.' His eyes stared into hers. 'I know that.'

'Yeah, you know everything.' She said, voice cracking.

Ethan stopped then, expression becoming torn with pity. 'You need a bath.' Both of them looked towards Isabel, whose eyelids quivered closed. 'She will be fine with me for twenty minutes.'

It was the sheer look that Alicia inadvertently gave him - hesitance - that made his chest sink the most. That was his girlfriend, and she didn't trust him. He wasn't a dangerous man, certainly not towards his own daughter, yet she still wasn't convinced enough. It was heartbreaking.

'She's sleeping, she won't know.' Ethan followed up with words of comfort. 'I'll shout you the minute she wakes up.'

'I showered at the hospital yesterday, I'm probably fine to be honest.' She said.

'Alicia, you're exhausted. Give yourself ten minutes, if nothing else.' He whispered.

She opened her mouth, then closed it again. A compact, yet wriggly little weight was placed in Ethan's two arms. Keeping them as sturdy as he could, he glanced at Alicia, desperately trying to convey his reassurance through his eyes.

As soon as the bathroom door locked, Ethan sank back into the chair slightly. The absence of her presence made him slightly more comfortable around the baby - it felt safer, and no one was there to judge.

'Hello darling...' He whispered, brushing her cheek with the side of his thumb. 'You're tiny, aren't you? Daddy loves you.' He gulped. It wasn't a lie. He knew Cal would love her every bit as much as he, the imposter, did. 'I can't be daddy, try as I might, but I can pretend. I promise you will have everything, and I will carry the world for you. I will give the world to you. All because I love you - that's all that matters.' His hold on her tightened slightly as tears sprung to his eyes. He went on, more for his own benefit than the baby's. 'I love mummy too, and that's exactly why I'm here. You-you are wonderful, but you don't _need_ someone like me. I'm a bit broken in places, see. Mummy can be your rock all by herself, but then she needs a rock too. That means I'll be sticking round for a little while.'

He glanced upwards, blinking the tears away. It was only then that he noticed the bathroom door - propped slightly open.


	20. chapter 20

To Ethan, the first few days felt like a battle. His head was tugging one way, while his heart the other.

It was as if that was it. The baby was here, his brother was gone. This was life now. He remembered this all too distinctly when screams started up from the other room.

'I'll go.' Alicia mumbled.

'It's fine, I've been up since the last one.' He replied, standing up and taking a few staggering steps to the doorway. Alicia didn't fight him, and instead pulled the duvet back over her head. His legs wobbled as if they were about to give way, muscles screaming at him to sit down in exhaustion.

Then he was at the Moses basket. Then he was scooping the child up. Then he was back in the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed.

'She should really sleep in here until she's bigger.' He yawned, rubbing his eyes with his free hand.

'Neither of us would sleep all night.' Alicia muttered.

'That's not what it's about though, it's about her.'

'Mm. We can discuss it later. How is she?'

'She just wanted to be held.' Ethan replied, smiling down at his daughter as she blinked up at him, curious.

'When she's not hungry and doesn't sound in pain, you should just leave her to cry.' Alicia said.

'What? But she's still so little...' Ethan looked horrified.

'Yeah, but she'll get into bad habits and be a clingy one.'

'Well, I don't mind.' Ethan nodded.

'Not now you don't.' She laughed in response. 'I'm knackered. Only got two hours sleep even though you did 3am and 6am.'

He pulled a face. 'You need ear plugs then.'

'But what if you sleep through her?' She asked, nibbling a lip.

'Holby's biggest insomniac. I doubt it, somehow.' He smiled. 'What's on today's agenda, anyway?'

'I don't know.' She yawned. 'I really don't. I need to register her birth, so...' She sat up, leaning over the bed. 'Is she hungry?'

'She only ate just over an hour ago, darling.'

Both of their eyes travelled to the baby in his arms, who was balling her tiny fists to her mouth and pulling faces.

'She definitely looks hungry.' Alicia decided.

'Are you considering expressing any milk at all, or-'

'I think not, no.' Alicia replied, searching for the judgemental look in his eyes that she knew she'd get. 'You know, with the-'

'Yes, you don't need to, uh, justify. I was simply asking.' He nodded.

Alicia sighed, still feeling uneasy with the tension. 'I'll go warm her a bottle then.'

'Right, yes.' Ethan stuttered, gently rocking the baby up and down until she came back through. 'Do you want to take her?'

'Yeah, go on then.' Alicia steadily took her daughter off Ethan, and sat beside him on the bed. 'Hello darling. Mummy's got you breakfast. Yes she has.' She crooned, gently stroking Isabel's downy tufts of hair to smooth them down to her head.

'She's not a crier, is she?' Ethan observed.

'No, not at all.' She smiled a little, collecting the dribble of formula with a thumb that had gathered under the dimple on her chin. 'She's a dream.'

'She certainly is. Do you mind if I come with you?' Ethan asked.

'To where?' She replied.

'The Registry Office. Um, I-'

'Ethan, I still haven't thought...'

'Right.' He tried not to feel offended. 'After last night, even?'

'Just because we slept together doesn't mean I think it's necessarily the right thing to put you on my daughter's birth certificate. You know, the thing she has to keep as formal identification for life.' She looked back down.

'No, of course, but-'

'Look. Just... just come along, I'd like that. We both would.'

'Only if you're sure.' He said, but the corners of his mouth were twitching with the smile he'd tried so hard to suppress.

'Yes, I'm sure.' Alicia replied, looking into his eyes a little too hard for a little too long.

Thoughtful, she removed them, focusing back on her child. She passed the bottle to Ethan and turned the baby onto her shoulder, patting her back firmly.

'I was thinking we could take her to the ED today, later this afternoon.' She mentioned.

'Oh?' Surprise carried in his voice, idly wondering why she was crazy enough to even suggest such a thing.

'Everyone is dying to see her. I feel as if I'll be inundated with gifts for her, tiny little boots and hats and stuff. They won't fit if we leave it much longer.'

'That's true. I don't mind popping down though, or you could and I'll watch Izzy.'

She looked at him for a second before realising he'd completely missed the point.

'I want to take the baby, not leave her at home!'

'Into a bacteria-ridden hospital with disease and infection before she even has her vaccinations?'

'She has her immunity from me still!' Alicia replied.

Ethan gave a short laugh. 'That's not foolproof, is it?'

'It's my daughter, I'll do what I want.' She replied childishly, almost pulling her closer in.

'And you've made that clear! I'm just urging you not to be reckless.' He pleaded.

She thought for a second. 'Hey, she'll be fine. Alright? I'll keep her strapped to me, she won't be exposed to anything. We'll only stay ten minutes.'

The last part sounded awfully like an attempt to justify the trip, as if staying for a short amount of time would make any difference whatsoever. He felt baffled at her complete disregard of all knowledge she'd ever learned about infectious disease. It was Alicia though, and she did throw caution to the wind. Seemingly, her daughter was no exception.

-x-

'That's all done and dusted then.' The registrar smiled at Alicia warmly, almost dismissing her through her expression.

She turned and wandered back through the corridors, in no real rush to get back out to the car and greet Ethan.

He had come along, as planned, but she had advised him to stay in the car. On second thoughts, she was glad she had done. It gave her a chance to do some thinking.

The corridors smelled musty, as if they'd not seen a duster in a fair few years - flecks of dust danced in the light.

She cradled her daughter to her chest, being mindful of her head, which still lolled despite the amount of support it was given. One question burned all her other thoughts away - was it the right decision? There were still paternity doubts, after all. The past was the past though, and Cal wasn't coming back. Still, she couldn't believe she'd done it, after all the doubts and angst.

As she approached the car, Ethan rolled the window down. He was as anxious as she was; she could see it in his eyes.

'How did it go?' He asked.

'It went as well as it could have done.' She replied, withholding detail on purpose.

He cleared his throat once, so she opened the back door of the car to attend to the car seat. Once she'd buckled Isabel in, she addressed him as nonchalantly as possible.

'You're on the birth certificate.'


	21. chapter 21

The sleepless hours of parading up and down the hallway jiggling an angry baby had blurred into days, and before they knew it, they had Isabel at home for nearly two months.

It wasn't just any old day though. Something set it aside from the others. Rain drizzled against the windows, as if the sky was as miserable as Ethan was feeling. The atmosphere was tense, and all three seemed to pick up on it.

Isabel started to grizzle in Ethan's arms, so he picked her up and held her over a shoulder.

'I'll take her.' Alicia outstretched her arms and plucked the infant off him before he could argue either way. 'Something's arrived for you.'

He looked up at her, then the envelope in her hands. She knew. Her own eyes glistened with tears and she didn't hold his for long.

'I'll go put her down, then I'll be back through.' She gently tossed the envelope onto the sofa beside him and went back through into the baby's bedroom.

He stared at the envelope. One little rectangle of white threatened to destroy the little life they'd built in mere seconds.

In a fleeting second, he didn't want to know. He didn't care. Sometimes, not knowing was better.

He didn't even notice she'd sat back down by his side. They sat there a few minutes in silence.

'Well?' She asked, quietly.

'I've not... I've not opened it, as yet.' He forced a smile.

'Well, open it then.' Her brows knitted together. He gulped, tears forming in his own eyes. A hand on his thigh, squeezing.

'It's okay, whatever the outcome.'

A sob rose in his throat as he tore the paper back with a thumb. Pulling the letter out, his eyes scanned over the page.

'What? Ethan, what?' Alicia was shaking him now, frantic.

'She's... she's got the gene, it's recessive. She...' He shook his head.

She processed the information with a frown. 'She's yours. She's yours!'

His face was buried in her shoulder, and both were crying and laughing and gasping for what felt like an eternity.

'What are the chances of that? We only met like, twice?' Alicia asked, still dazed.

'They're s-slim. So slim. I can't believe, I-'

'Thank God she didn't get a dominant version of the allele and her symptoms will never show. Never mind about her passing it to her own, I'm just so glad she's safe.' Alicia murmured.

He'd fallen quiet, rereading the letter.

'You okay?' She asked, after a few seconds had passed by.

He didn't know enough to formulate a response. Emotions of all kinds were whizzing through his head in a torrent. At last.

But she looks so much like...'

'But so do you.' Alicia gave him a warm smile. 'I'll pop and get her. She needs to be in on this.'

-x-

'You know, I don't know if it helps the grieving process or hinders it.' Ethan said, as they walked along the beach. They'd driven there spontaneously - they had nowhere else to go, and it was a rare stretch of a few days that were unbroken by his shifts. With the baby carrier, the two of them and a picnic, they were overly prepared for the afternoon. It was freezing, barely the start of spring, but they were well swaddled and prepared for all eventualities where the weather was concerned.

'Helps!' Alicia finally enthused, as she rested a hand on her baby's back.

He looked at her for a second, squinting his eyes. She picked up on this, and looked back. They paused for an awkward two seconds and continued.

'What I meant t-to say is that I suppose I can finally let Caleb go now.'

The waves lapped against their bare feet.

'You don't have to let him go as such.' She wriggled her toes in the sand.

'No, I didn't mean that. I meant I can finally move on, try and live for the now.'

'Yeah. Yeah, you can.'

'I do still miss him, and he would have loved her. As his daughter or as his niece.' Ethan said.

'Of course he would.' Alicia agreed. 'She has her own guardian angel. She's lucky.'

'The luckiest.' Ethan mumbled back, as he walked slightly up shore.

Alicia watched, feeling the pang of emotion in her chest. It was all so real, and he had to come to terms with the loss of his brother and surprise of his daughter in a day. She felt guilty in many ways.

'It sounds bad,' Ethan turned around after skimming a stone. 'I was sort of hoping for the other outcome.'

'That's natural, course it is.' She gulped as she tried to reassure him.

'I should be over the moon. What's wrong with me?' He looked at her, searching for the answers she didn't have.

'I don't know.' She replied quietly. 'Don't be too hard on yourself dear. These things take time, alright? Perhaps it was just a surprise. We don't always react to things the way we want to, or the way we wish we could.'

He nodded blankly, trying to smile at her.

'Someone wants her daddy.' Alicia fumbled with the straps, unclipping the baby from her chest and passing her to him.

'Hello beautiful.' He whispered, quickly wiping away a tear that had managed to fall out his eye. 'Of course you're mine. I knew when I saw you.'

Looking on, she felt her heart thud with pride and love. It was a gorgeous moment, and they were so clearly father and daughter. He was right.

And, beautifully, although he doubted himself, Ethan made the perfect father. He doted on Isabel; it was clear to see. He rocked her gently in his arms, held her up so the breeze from the sea caressed her chubby cheeks. Both their faces had turned an endearing shade of rosy red, matching, cold but the picture of health.

He'd whisper to her, show her the sand, even though she was too little to look.

Alicia strolled a few paces behind them, letting him have his moment. She wasn't in a rush, and drinking in the view was something she'd savour for weeks to come. The events of the day had not met her expectations at all, but she oddly found herself glad.


	22. chapter 22

**Bonnie Sveen Fan: Thank you, love reading your reviews.**

 **TheBeautifulNerd: Not the end just yet :-) I've at least several more chapters planned. Thanks for following, the support means a lot.**

Squashing the polystyrene cup

with one quick movement, Ethan tossed what had held his filter coffee into the bin. It was as he brushed himself down that he noticed the rather conspicuous looking stain on his thigh. Its dimension and positioning meant it could only be one thing.

He gave a sigh. Though knowing Alicia was tired, he felt it didn't excuse her letting him out the house for his first shift in weeks - like that. The sharp contrast of the yellowing stain against the vivid green of his scrubs meant that there was no disguising it. Strangely, as much as he felt embarrassed, it felt like a badge of honour. He was a father. Never had he felt like one more.

His trainers squeaked against the patent flooring of the corridors.

'Ah, Ethan!' Jacob greeted.

'Yes, h-hello.' Ethan stuttered, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his noise with an index finger.

'How's fatherhood treating you?' The nurse asked with a smile.

'Uh, like this.' Ethan gestured to his leg.

Elle looked over, flashing them a smile. 'Nice. That's babies for you. It's easier when they're your own though - I can't stand other people's.'

'Yes.' Ethan nodded, finding it quite ironic. At the same time, he was relieved that he'd never have to pretend or explain. Everything with Isabel was real, beautifully real. He could discuss freely without lying, and that was the best part of it.

'You look spaced out Ethan. You need another coffee mate.' Jacob raised his eyebrows. 'I can put the kettle on.'

'No, Jacob, the last thing this man needs is another coffee.' Elle swooped in, expertly managing the situation. 'No more caffeine at all. I have the perfect solution to all fatigue.'

Both Jacob and Ethan watched blankly as Elle searched the cupboards. After what felt like forever, she produced an old-looking banana.

'You can't be advocating that as a healthy snack, Pancake?' Jacob raised an eyebrow.

Elle rolled her eyes skyward, smirking, before looking back at Ethan. 'Ions. Potassium. Minerals. You'll feel tons better.'

'Doctor's orders.' He obliged with a small nod.

'If you know what's good for you Ethan, take the coffee-'

Ethan chuckled politely as Jacob laughed.

'I know what I'm talking about.' Elle shrugged.

'Course you do.' Jacob nodded.

She gave him a scornful look. 'Anyway, Ethan, I'm glad you're early. Take as long as you need, prepare your paperwork or tidy your locker. I'm clinical lead in Connie's absence - she's taken a spontaneous weekend break with Grace. Alright for some, I suppose. We're not busy at the moment, so, no real rush. I will refrain from using the 'q' word just yet though - that's never safe.' She smiled on her way out.

'Thanks, Elle.' Ethan nodded, beginning to peel back the banana gingerly. It wasn't his favourite fruit, in fact, he often though the consistency was even more off-putting than the taste. Still, he knew the advice was in his best interests. Energy would save him, and so he was willing to try anything.

'You're a brave man, Dr Hardy.' Jacob patted him on the shoulder. 'So, I've not met this daughter of yours yet.'

'I am surprised. Alicia's been thrusting her at everyone since the day we were discharged.' Ethan replied, fingers nimbly peeling back the skin of the fruit.

'Maybe she's just enthusiastic?' Jacob suggested, noticing Ethan's cynicism.

'Hm. Hospitals aren't places for babies. Well ones, I mean.' Ethan added.

Jacob nodded, eyes glazed over. 'So, do. you have a picture of little miss?'

'I certainly do. Isabel Callie.' He added, whipping out his phone and finding the most recent photo.

'She's cute. Going to be one heartbreaker.' Jacob smiled.

'She looks like her mum.' Ethan said.

'Do you think? Nah, I see you. And- your brother too. It's nice that you gave her that middle name.'

'Well, it only felt right.' Ethan dismissed. A lump had formed in his throat all the same.

'Yeah, it's nice. Bless her. She'll have a whole posse of babysitters too, won't she?' He smiled.

'Uh, yes. Everyone seems very keen. It's nice to have the rapport, really. Very, uh... helpful. Very helpful. Connie offered Grace. I mean, Alicia's keen, but I'm not so sure. She's not yet thirteen.' Ethan shrugged.

'She's mature, is Grace.' Jacob commented, quick to defend.

'No no, I'm sure.' Ethan nodded, beginning to regret mentioning it. 'Just with her epilepsy, I don't know. I feel it's a risk. Maybe in a year or two though.'

'Yeah, sure.' He agreed. 'There's Max and Lily, Charlie, even me and Elle in the meantime.'

'Hm.' Ethan mused, uncertainty still carrying in his voice. 'It's not even so much about age. I just don't feel ready to leave her unless it's Alicia's parents. She's too little. And, even then...'

'Mate, you'll have to shake that off and trust. Take people up on their offers! You and Alicia need time together too.'

'That's what Alicia says. I don't want it to drive a rift between us both. There'll be some middle ground or compromise, I'm sure. Plus, I can't think about time alone right now. My mind is on a loop - work, baby, work, baby, work, baby.' Ethan confessed.

Jacob felt slightly surprised about how open and conversational the usually subdued medic was being. He tried not to let this show, but nevertheless, it was refreshing to see a different side to him

'How old is Isabel now?' Jacob asked.

'She was ten weeks old yesterday, but obviously she was prem. She's about the size of a seven week old. She's only just weighed in at nine pounds.'

'That is tiny.' Jacob remarked.

'I know. She's lovely, really smiley...' Ethan digressed.

'I'm sure. Make sure you look after Alicia too, though. Don't neglect each other. What about... you time?'

'Oh, we get that. When she's asleep. Ten minutes here and there does us quite well.' He smiled.

'You need longer than that. You owe it to Isabel too.' Jacob advised.

'Yeah. You're right, I didn't see it quite that way. Thank you.' Ethan said.

'You're welcome. I'll see you in resus.'

'Yeah.'


	23. chapter 23

'And that...' Alicia whispered, twirling Isabel around a little too enthusiastically. 'Is us fully booked. That's right. Plane tickets, hotel, the lot.' She planted a kiss on her daughter's downy hair.

It took Ethan two seconds to stumble out the bedroom, looking half-asleep.

'Good morning!' Alicia smiled brightly. Isabel was held up to see her dad, and he took her, holding her to his chest with one strong hand.

'Where are we going?' He asked, with a little shake of the head.

'You don't miss anything, do you? It was meant to be a birthday surprise!' She sighed.

'Okay...' He chuckled nervously. 'But when and where?'

'New York, if you must know, for your birthday. Two weeks to get packing!' She grinned, having the excitement of a child.

'And who will have Isabel?' He asked.

'What?' Alicia's brows knotted together before it dawned on her. 'She'll come, silly!'

Ethan was silent for a moment, working it out. 'She'll not even be 14 weeks old. You can't honestly be thinking of taking her on a plane.'

'Yeah, I've googled it. It'll be fine. She's portable, isn't she? We're doctors.'

'Googled...' He laughed, exasperated. 'We're-we're not specialists in paediatrics and we have no medical equipment whatsoever. We're not doctors out there.'

His hands gestured wildly, almost determined to get his point across.

Alicia gave him a withering look. He felt at once that she just didn't comprehend the risks.

With this in mind, he tried a different approach. 'It's a lovely idea. I'm just a little worried for our girl.'

'Well don't, worryhead, hey? We're gonna have a fab time.' She ruffled his hair and he ducked away slightly.

'Yes, of course. I've always wanted to go. It looks... amazing.' He nodded with a smile.

It would be futile and rude of him to mention that he hated leaving the country at all. The sheer thought of the way the smell of sun cream lingered in the air was enough to turn his stomach. Even though they wouldn't be needing suncream, the thought of living in another culture for longer than he had to made him squirm. The screaming children on the plane, one of which he would be responsible for. The unrelenting heat. The sand. The shops. The food. The journey. The thought of the journey with a wriggly, unoccupied, screaming infant.

Yet, she was full of surprises, and she surprised him still.

'I know that you don't like abroad, before you start.' She threw a brochure aside. 'And that you'd be content in your little Holby, Falmouth, all round UK bubble. There's so much to see though, and it's time to break this rut you're stuck in.'

He couldn't decide whether to feel amused or offended. 'I'm not in a rut.'

'Ethan... you are in a rut.' She raised an eyebrow at him, moving a hideously fluffy cushion of hers out of the way of where she lowered herself down to. He was momentarily distracted, unable to comprehend why they even owned it if she didn't like it. Since she'd moved in, he had expressed the view he found it ridiculous. Alicia had muttered something about him being boring, and they hadn't mentioned it again. 'Hello? Glazed over?' She waved a hand in his face, annoyingly intrusive.

'Sorry. Yeah, you're probably right. I-I need to check that I can book time off work, though.' He pointed out, almost determined to find a flaw in the planning. He sat beside her, carefully repositioning the baby in his arms.

'One step ahead of you.' She replied. 'I, uh, I rang Mrs Beauchamp last night, she gave it the okay.'

'Ah! Well then, sounds like we're good to go!' He exclaimed, grimly thinking of how if there was one time time he wished she could be well organised, now was certainly not it.

'I'm so excited now! Our first little holiday as a family.' She said, smiling from ear to ear.

'I know! And so soon.' Ethan enthused, trying not to sound too false. Alicia believed what she wanted to hear though, and since she heard happiness, she smiled even more.

She whisked the baby from his knee and spun her round in circles. He chuckled fondly until he realised the speed they were going at.

'That's enough, she'll be sick.' He said.

Ignoring him, they continued to spin until the baby coughed and Alicia finally stopped.

'She's gone a bit red.' Panic suddenly flashed in Alicia's eyes.

More competent and more experienced, Ethan deftly lifted the baby off her knee and gently held two fingers to her chest. 'Normal, well... considering she's just been whizzed around.' His tone expressed his disapproval, and she dropped her eyes to the carpet. 'Just remember she's still little.'

'I do know, she's my daughter.' Alicia replied, almost sulkily.

'I'm only saying she's delicate.' He added, pressing his lips together after he'd finished. It was dangerous to say anything else. Her mood could turn in an instant, and it was already heading that way.

'So, have you made a list for our travels then?' He asked, reluctantly bringing up the topic again as to avoid a bad mood of hers.

'Me, list? That's your calling.' She said, giving him a nudge.

'That is true, how silly of me to think you would be in any way methodical in your approach.' He replied.

'Spontaneity is the spice of life!' Alicia replied.

'Variety...' Ethan corrected with a smile.

'Exactly.' Alicia nodded, leaving him bemused as he worked out what she meant.

As Ethan brought two mugs back to the sofa, Alicia gently placed the baby in her bouncy chair. He resumed his position on the sofa, patiently holding both drinks until she could take it and sit back properly.

'I'm going to start packing soon, of course. We need a plan too, like of what we want to do. We can take it in turns to wait with the baby while we do big things, or she could come too, or we could just do the nice touristy things... that's a point, there are so many tourists, do you think we'll be safe? Surely it will be, I mean-'

'I think it will be fine. We can work on a rough plan on my next day off.' He said, sipping his coffee gingerly.

'I would offer, I've loads of free time. Having said that, you'll probably want an input.' She gabbled.

'I'll definitely want an input!' He replied, envisioning days of chaos and wandering around lost. Spatial awareness was certainly not Alicia's forte.

'Trust me, this was meant to be a surprise, but you will have the time of your life. Honestly. It's gonna be ace.' She smiled.

'A surprise until _when_ , exactly?' Ethan's voice faltered with alarm, at once glad he just so happened to overhear.

'Oh, the day before or so.' She answered him with nonchalance. 'I'd have packed clothes for you and stuff.'

He spluttered, nearly choking on the drink. 'Thanks! I'd have clothes.' His thumb collected the froth that had formed on the rim of the mug.

'Come on, I'd have done a good job.' She quickly looked hurt.

'No, of course. That was mean of me, sorry. Perhaps I need to learn the value of surprises.' He added.

'Well, it won't matter. There's already a surprise when we get there.' She said.

He tilted his head to the side, corners of his mouth twitching. 'Tell me.'

'What, no way!' She exclaimed, mirroring the twinkle in his eye.

'What's it along the lines of?' He asked.

She said nothing and just smiled, lifting the mug to her lips to avoid answering. Watching her do this, he gave a roll of the eyes. 'You and your little schemes! Alicia, come on... please?' He pleaded, eyes imploring.

She glanced back at him with a smirk, enjoying being so powerful. 'I might tell you on the plane.'

'That doesn't help me prepare in advance!' He retorted, visibly torn between anguish and amusement.

'You don't need to.' Alicia scrunched up her nose, accentuating the dimples in her cheeks by doing so. 'I've prepared for you. See it as a trust exercise, if you must see it as anything. I know you like purpose.'

He groaned in frustration, making her giggle. 'Drink your coffee, anyway, or you'll be late for your shift. I might have got you off in a couple of weeks, but it doesn't mean you're off the hook yet! Plus, I can't see Mrs Beauchamp being too forgiving if you're in any way delayed. Took a lot of cajoling for her to give you leave, let me tell you.'

'Very true, sweetheart.' He downed the rest of his drink quickly, not even wincing at the bitterness. 'I will find out before we go.'

'No you won't.' She smiled back, pleased with herself. 'Go get ready, I'll wash the cups up. I made your lunch, it's on the side.'

'What did I do to deserve you?' He planted a kiss on her temple and hesitated before leaving, glancing over at the baby as if he planned to do the same. 'Ah, I won't wake her.' Ethan added quietly, feeling the need to justify his dithering.

'Okay.' Alicia just nodded. 'Have a good day, I'll text.'

He smiled as he made his way into the bedroom to get ready. Though he would have to rush, he knew in the moment that he'd not wasted a second the whole morning. The warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest overly compensated for the subsequent late arrival to the ED.


	24. chapter 24

The noise of chewing gum snapping and popping was starting to grate on Ethan. Disturbed, he held his finger in the book and spun round, about to give the people in the allocated seats behind him a talking to.

Suddenly, it ceased. 'What's going on?' Alicia asked, frowning.

'Ah. Nothing.' Ethan's lips were pressed together in a smile as he too sank back into the chair.

'Alright.' She nodded, placing on headphone back in. She soon pulled out again, turning to him.

'Don't you think she's looking like a person now?' She squeezed the baby's cheeks a little, standing her up on her lap.

'Uh, a bit.' He replied. 'It's good that she's weight-bearing though.'

'Yeah, it is.' Alicia said, thoughtful. She sat still for a moment, then she wriggled. 'Oh, I bloody hate plane journeys.'

'Three more hours.' He made a point of checking his watch.

'Three?!'

'Well, it's an eight hour flight, and we've been on since-'

'I know, I know. I just can't believe it. Three more hours!'

'See what I mean about a plane journey with a baby... you were adamant, though.'

'Because it'll be worth it.' She raised an eyebrow.

'Want me to take her?' Ethan asked.

'If you're offering, I mean-'

'Come on! Come to daddy.' He clapped his hands, greeting his daughter with a loving smile. She gurgled and flailed her arms forward. 'You are active, aren't you? Are you going to give mummy and daddy a little rest? Are you?' He jiggled her lightly. Glad of the relief, she posted her earphones into her ears and shuffled so she was facing away. 'Well, that's charming, isn't it? Mummy wants a break, she wants a break, she does-' He paused when he felt a wet patch on his back. Holding the baby at arms length to inspect, he noticed a suspicious dribble of white down her chin.

'Oh, Isabel!' He sighed, trying not to shudder. 'Alicia...' He tapped her. 'Darling, I'm going to need one of those spare muslins you packed.'

'Uh, I didn't. We were over by a bit, so I took unnecessary stuff out of my travel bag to make room for some stuff from the suitcase. Those old bits of cloth are useless, anyway. We'll cope, use her bib.' She replied.

'Except she's vomited.'

'What?' Alicia laughed. 'Oh my god, let me see. As if she saved it for you!'

'This isn't funny!' He replied, quite cross to see the delight on her face.

'Chill, I packed you a spare jumper in my bag. I must've known.'

'Right, well, take her while I change.' He deposited the baby back on her lap and rose from his chair, irritated.

'Is daddy grumpy? He is!' Alicia cooed to her daughter, receiving a glare from Ethan who was still in earshot.

-x-

'Finally, we're here!' Alicia hoisted her daughter higher up as they stood by the window in the hotel room.

'I have never been anywhere so... so...' Ethan looked around wildly. 'So busy, and-and bright.'

'It's like something out of a movie.' She whispered, pressing her lips to the baby's head.

'It's incredible.' He agreed, before turning back to the luggage that sat on the bed. 'I'll start to unpack then.'

'What?' She spun round. 'Don't do that! Let's go sightsee.'

'Then we'll have it to do later.' Ethan replied, unfolding a shirt from the top of the suitcase.

'Well, leave it for now then! Let's go explore while there's still daylight.' She said.

'It won't get dark for another couple of hours. It's so bright with all the lights, it won't even feel like it's night.'

'Come on, don't be boring.' She tugged at his arm.

'You won't want to unpack when you're tired later on. Plus, the time zone difference will feel exhausting.'

'Ethan, we work nights, we have a small baby. We are more than equipped to deal with a long day. Come on.' She said. He sighed, knowing already he would be giving in.

'Okay.'

She grinned from ear to ear. 'Where first?'


	25. chapter 25

After almost two hours of sightseeing, they reached the top of the rock. The wind nipped at Ethan's face, and he pulled his coat more tightly around the baby in his arms. Alicia was too taken by the view to notice either of them. Rosy cheeks, teeth chattering, they huddled together as tightly as they could.

'The view is...' Ethan begun.

'Breathtaking.' Alicia whispered, hands to the mesh railing in awe.

'Nobody else is around, either. I researched, it's not normally this quiet.' He said.

'It's amazing. I can't think of anything that would be more perfect.' She nestled closer to him then, so he gently wrapped his spare arm around her. It truly was beautiful. It was as if right there, they could see the whole entire world. They were on top of the whole wide world. It really put things into perspective.

Even the most towering of skyscrapers had shrunk to toy size, their bright lights mere specks.

'What you thinking about?' Alicia whispered.

'Just how amazing everything looks, and how weird it feels.' He replied. But for the soft humming of electrical wiring overhead, it was otherwise silent.

'It does.' She agreed. 'I know it's your birthday tomorrow, and that it won't be the same without your brother, but I do think you're in a better place mentally now. I'm so glad to see how far you've come.'

'That's babies for you. So distracting, hey?' He gently turned the infant to face outwards.

'She's opened her eyes, look...' Alicia remarked.

'Lot to take in.' Ethan stroked her chubby cheek lovingly.

She smiled for a moment, thoughtful. 'You're so good with her.'

'As you keep saying.' He gave a short laugh. 'I'm just doing what dads do.'

'You're doing it well.' She said quietly.

'Can I... uh, can I ask you something?' Ethan asked.

'Course.' She replied, leaning further towards over the railing.

'Do you think, if... if my brother were still alive, things would be different between us?'

She was quiet a moment. 'No, I don't.' Another pause. 'I think we've always had something, Ethan. When there's a connection, it usually finds its way so I've heard.'

'Surprisingly wise.' He gave a small smile.

'Well, you know. What happened to your brother was _tragic_ \- it really was - but that aside, I think we would've been together. You're not the second choice. You were never, ever the second choice. I have loved you before you said you loved me that night. I just thought you weren't as interested. Once I got with Cal, you started giving me signs, and then I knew I was in trouble. The truth is, I'd go back to you in a heartbeat. It always comes back to you. Now it's you and this little one.' She whispered. Ethan sniffed, moved by her words. 'Don't cry!' She whispered, though her own eyes were shining too.

'All I can say is, I wholeheartedly reciprocate that. I care for you - and Izzy - with every fibre of my being. The love I had for Cal was huge too, but there's room for more love now and it's all yours. My brother would want this, I think.' He said bravely.

'I think he would too.' Alicia nodded. 'It's time to set it all free and move on.'

'Yes.' Ethan replied. 'Yes, you're right.'

They were silent again for a while, looking out into the inky night sky. 'Look at all the stars.' He said.

'That's the sort of starry sky you picture when you think of the night.' Alicia mused.

'Yeah, it is.' He agreed, shifting the baby onto his shoulder with care. Her little head, which was wrapped in the cutest pink fluffy hat, lolled against his shoulder with sleepiness.

'When I was a kid,' Alicia begun. 'My mam and dad would always take me on holiday to the Dales. It was like a two hour car journey, but I loved it there. We went to the same BB, year on year. It was one of those places that you just don't get sick of. Great views, and we made so many memories there. I think that's what makes a place special - the memories.' She commented. He turned his attention to her, watching her as she spoke with animation. Somehow, she boasted wisdom that he could only dream to have. It made little sense to him, but it was one of the things he loved about her. 'Anyway, so at the end of the holiday, we'd always have a hot chocolate and a camp fire out in the open. We'd look up and the sky would look beautiful, just like this - obviously on a smaller scale though.'

'It sounds lovely.' Ethan said.

'Oh, it really was. My dad would always tell me to make a wish. I believed anything I thought up was sure to come true.'

'And did it?' He asked, intrigued.

'Sometimes, yeah. Most times I forgot what I'd wished for though.' She admitted.

He chuckled. 'That's just like you.'

'Well, wishes are granted in a number of different ways, my mam says. Maybe we should give it a go now.'

He frowned slightly, yet the corners of his lips turned upwards with amusement. 'Okay. I wish-'

'Don't say it out loud!' She exclaimed.

'Why not? I'd hope you'd be wishing for the same thing as me. Or similar, anyway.' His eyes sparkled cheekily.

'Even so. It has to be secret.' She gave him a knowing look all the same, eyes matching his.

'Okay.' He nodded, watching as Alicia squeezed her eyes together tightly and then did the same himself.

After what could have been moments, seconds or minutes, they opened their eyes and looked at one another. All three stayed huddled underneath the painted sky, starting the beginning of the rest of their lives.

-x-

 **And that's the end! A massive massive thanks to everyone who has followed, commented and been generally supportive of this story! Your support has meant the world and has kept it going.**

 **May potentially do a sequel to this if there's enough interest - let me know what you think!**

 **Otherwise feel free to check out my other stories. Again, thank you all the world. X**


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